Taylor Swift Imagines - Book Six (gxg)

I'll hold your hand (requested)

Author's Note: This chapter contains possibly triggering content. It talks about relapsing from self-harm. Please don't read if that makes you uncomfortable.

If you ever need someone to talk to, my messages are always open, my loves. I'm here for you all. I love you.

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You kept your eyes locked with Taylor's as she finished her speech and prepared to start the first surprise song of the night.

This is always one of your favorite parts of the nights she performs - the surprise songs.

She usually tends to share with you which ones she plans to perform that night but tonight, she insisted these stay a surprise for you as well.

You know that means that it's got to be one of your absolute favorites by her so you've been impatiently waiting to find out which ones they might be all night tonight.

Her smile was bright as she looked at you and strummed the strings of her guitar, listening as the fans screamed excitedly in response.

But they weren't the only ones to recognize it quickly, you'd recognized it from the first note as well.

Clean.

Clean has always been one of your favorites by Taylor.

The song has always helped you through so much, having gotten you through some of your darkest moments.

Taylor knows how much it means to you... but you don't think she realizes just how much it means to you now.

When you first began to get serious with her a couple of years ago, you had been very open about your struggles with self-harm.

It was easier to come clean about it to her rather than have her ask questions when she inevitably saw the scars on your wrists sooner or later.

You had told her how much clean had gotten you through and how it, quite literally, helped you become clean.

For a while, and especially when you're with her, the urges had completely vanished.

But recently, they returned.

It was just a couple of nights ago when they started to creep back up on you and they seemed to be back with a vengeance as they were so much stronger and more intense than ever.

As hard as you tried to resist, it eventually became too overwhelming and you gave in.

Hearing her sing clean tonight would usually bring the biggest smile to your face but, instead, you felt guilty because, for the first time in a while, you were not clean.

You could see on her face that she was concerned when she saw you looking down and guilty.

It's very unlike you to not sing along during the show but especially to one of your absolute favorite songs; one that means so much to you.

You tried not to let her see the tears falling from your eyes and you tried to enjoy yourself but your mind could only run with thoughts of how disappointed she might be to realize that a song she'd sung especially for you tonight didn't mean the same as it used to.

You listened to the fans sing along while you kept your gaze on the ground in hopes that she wouldn't notice something was wrong.

But she could see it from where she was; you were very upset about something and as much as she loves performing, it almost made her anticipate the show ending so she could find out what was going on.

--

You tried to get the thoughts and worries out of your head and enjoy the show like you always do.

These moments are magical, there's nothing quite like seeing your girlfriend shine so brightly.