straight as guitar strings!

chapter 9 [tag/fil]

MASWERTE ako't may naabutan pang bus na hindi puno, may naupuan akong seat saka nakaidlip rin kahit papaano habang pinagmamasdan ang siyudad na may mabituing langit at tinutulungan ng mga makukulay na ilaw na mula sa mga poste, sasakyan o 'di kaya'y mga establisyamento na paliwanagin ang madilim na gabi.

Gayunpaman, madilim pa rin ang isip ko, ang puso ko at mukhang nadadamay na ang boyfriend kong si Bob. Nararamdaman kong may nagbabago sa 'kin. I started doubting my love for him and having second thoughts kung love nga ba 'to o infatuation lang? Maybe I just love the thought of being in love but I don't know yet what is the meaning of real love.

Truth be told, I'm no longer happy with Bob... and I'm on the verge of giving up this relationship I have with him.

Maybe that's the reason why never na siya sumagi sa isip ko these past few days. I'm too focused sa sarili ko, college life, newfound friends or anything but him.

Ayaw ko na nga sanang pumunta kanina, e. I'd rather spend my time in university kanina watching bro's from the swimming team practice their skills or the football guys playing on the soccer field like there will be no tomorrow for a rematch. He's literally absent in my mind these days. Kanina ko nga lang naalala na may boyfriend pala ako? Hindi ko maaalala actually if he hadn't contacted me desperately.

Well, you might be spotting some red flag traits of mine but I must admit, I felt it's kinda true but you know what I realized? I think I'm being a red flag man only for him and I still have no clue why.

Let me tell you this, okay? For real, Bob is such a nice person yet slightly fun to be with even if he's not the ideal guy for me. We have differences, a lot actually. We don't understand each other most of the time. We argue all the time. We hurt each other then we kiss and make up. But he's still a nice person for me, but I guess not for my heart?

It's hard to figure out things when you're still on your getting-to-know-yourself stage. Para kang naghahanap ng uwak sa gitna ng dilim. Sa paghahanap mo sa madilim na kagubatan, maaaring may madampot kang iba. Akala mo 'yon ang hinahanap mo pero kahawig lang pala o 'di kaya'y hindi naman talaga 'yon 'yon, alam mo, aware ka pero para sa'yo dahil mahirap nga hanapin or sayang 'yong oras na masasayang kaya sabi mo na lang, 'sige na nga, p'wede na 'to.' Ito na lang muna, 'pag sumikat na 'yong araw bukas saka ko na lang hanapin 'yong totoong hinahanap ko.

That is how I can describe my relationship with my boyfriend Bob. He is my 'sige na nga, pwede na 'to' type of guy. I was so selfish for being experimental and it already happened that he's kinda like my victim. I think lahat naman nagdaan sa gan'to. Magpapaka-hypocrite pa ba ako sa sarili ko? Come on, Liam! Liam's such a bitch. I ain't sorry for that and I'm willing to correct this, not now but sooner.

My wandering thoughts came to a halt as the bus stopped on the corner of the street where I'm living few steps away. Nag-start na akong lumakad hanggang sa humina nang humina ang ambience ng highway.

How long do I have to hold on? I mean, I deserved setting my self free. Hey, Liam... know that Bob didn't deserve this so telling him what the truth is also a kind of respect to him as a person. Walang sinuman ang deserve na pagsinungalingan, beh!

I hope this darkness tonight will eventually fades by the power of morning light when the sun rises. I know it'll not make me clean, but it'll make everything clear.

Kaaway ko na yata ang sarili ko, sandali, baka mabaliw ako nito. This thoughts are driving me crazy! I had thought of screaming it in the back of my mind instead I just kicked on the innocent piece of stone that my feet had stepped upon while still on my way home.

It was a few minutes later when I entered the gate of the subdivision where I'm living for almost a decade and a half. Napansin ko 'yong matandang guard na nagbabasa ng sexy women's magazine habang salitan na naninigarilyo at nagkakape. As usual, pinuna niya ang pag-uwi ko nang medyo late. He reminds me of my strict father. Bumati naman ako ng good evening sa kanya bago ako patuloy na naglakad.

Tahol at alulong ng aso, ngiyaw o paglalampong ng pusa, tunog ng mga kuliglig sa daan, busina ng mga sasakyan ng mga mayayaman kong kapitbahay na late nang umuwi, mahinang ingay mula sa highway sa 'di kalayuan at kaluskos ng paa kong tinatamad na maglakad. Marahil nailabas ko lahat ng lakas ko kanina kay Bob. Isang round lang kami pero parang pakiramdam ko katumbas 'yon ng 12 rounds.

Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at nag-type ng message:

Nakauwi na po ako.

I tapped the 'send' button and much to my surprise, pangalan ni Leo pala ang na-search ko kanina as the recipient sa halip na si Bob.

Another event in my life that's making me question my feelings right now for my boyfriend.

It made my brain cells stopped thinking about overthinking when I finally saw my home, standing in front of the large silver-painted gate, I opened it. Kaagad akong pumasok at habang sinasara ko 'yon ay biglang tumunog ang messenger app ko kaya nagkaroon ako ng dahilan para biglang bilisan ang pagla-lock ng gate.

After five to ten seconds ay okay na, locked na at habang naglalakad patungong main door ay sa wakas na-check ko na kung sino ang nag-chat sa'kin. My hunch was right, Leo just replied to my message.

Late ka na po yata nakauwi?

That message of him... I can feel his concern on me. I replied immediately. Nagdahilan na lang ako at sabi ko I had to kill time to think about some stuffs that's bothering me. I opened the main door, took my shoes off before entering inside. My pets welcomed me home, excited and giggling.

My phone screen illuminated as Leo replied again,

Liam, if you need someone to talk to, you can count on me. I'll be like, uhh, shoulders? Yeah, that you can lean on.

God, how could I hear his voice from his texts? My dog barked at me to wake me up on my delusional state. I stooped down, kneeling down to hug them. Dinilaan ako ni Sarsi sa pisngi, such a sweet dog.

Ang reply ko lang sa chat ni Leo ay, "Cool, TYSM." Originally, I typed it like 'Thank you so much Leo, I really do appreciate it. If you don't mind, you could like come over here, or I could go there. I mean, I'm fine opening up my problems with you. That's a normal thing for buddies like us, right?' with a kiss and heart emoji. It's kinda cringe, cliché, corny and creepy. 4C's, huh? So, I decided to keep my cool so I cut it.

There goes his next reply,

By the way, here's my audition video. Hope you'll like it.

I told him I am not judge so why was he sending it to me? He said, he just wanted me to be wowed by his performance and for me to realize how good he is. I told him that he seemed mayabang online pero trying to be humble sa tunay na buhay. He disagreed, of course. Even if he didn't say he's really humble, I know he is. He's just playing with me this time, trying to sound like an overconfident grownup man that he's definitely not.

Leo Quintero sent you a video.

I watched his performance na tumutugtog ng bass guitar. He's right, mukhang nasa church nga siya at humiram lang. I admired his efforts and dedication for this one. I replied soon as I finished watching his video audition playing the bass guitar version of 'Levitation by Dua Lipa'.

Sinabihan kong ang galing niya, napahanga ako skills niya sa pagtugtog. I'm sure makakapasa siya sa audition.

Oh man, you have no idea how many takes were done before I got this right then uploaded.

I replied, "Bro, you're clearly a pro so I'm not buying it. Only if you send me the behind-the-scene clips? Maybe there's a chance."

Sinabi naman niya sa reply na he's actually uploading na raw siya sa stories niya no'ng BTS clips. Ako naman si excited, nag-abang sa account ni Leo hanggang sa may nag-loading nang bagong stories sa IG niya.

When I look at the pictures, he's with someone but he's just like leaning his head on the shoulder of a woman, I bet. On the next page, I heard the voice of that woman saying she already clicked the record button and then Leo started to play his bassist guitar.

I felt bad for asking the behind-the-scene clips.

I FUCKING HATE WHAT MY EYES HAD JUST WITNESSED.

Sino kaya 'yong babae na 'yon? Pinsan niya? Mama? Ate?

Siya ba 'yong... Colleen?