A long road to happy

Chapter 21: Scarlett's thoughts

Scarlett's POV:

As she walks back towards the kitchen, I whisper. "I should never have let you go."

I've felt like this since I pushed her away. I went back to Colin for me. He would've outted me, he told me as much. As much as I claim that I pushed her away to protect her and my kids, it was all for me. It was to protect me nad my image. I was scared, I am scared. I didn't know what I wanted, I mean, I still don't, not fully. But what I do know is that I want her. She makes me feel things I haven't before, and that's something I'm not willing to give up just yet.

Since the spatula incident and the chats I've had with Lizzie and Sky, I've realised just how much I actually want her and how much more she intrigues me.

The relationship she has with Sky, I want that with her, but more. I want her not to be afraid to be who she is with me, the way she does with Sky.

When we had sex, she was definitely more in control, more dominant. And that was because I couldn't at the time, I was so nervous and had no experience. But I know that's not truly how she wants to be. She puts on her front well, but I can see through her. . . Also, Sky confirmed it.

The truth is, I've never had anything like that with the guys I've dated. It's always been the ‘traditional’ man and woman relationship. The guy always takes on the more dominant role, leaving me to be more submissive. I didn't realise it could be any other way. The more I think about it, the more I want it. It's all I've thought about. I've made myself think of a relationship like that with Colin and with other people, but none of it felt right. When I think about it with Harley, though, it feels like it could work. It could all click into place. I get excited thinking about it, not just in a smutty way, but in general. I could be that for her.

So, I've been speaking with Sky more, and I know nothing about dynamics. After explaining myself to her, she explained that what I seem to be is a soft dom. Harley fits the submissive side when she's comfortable, but it takes her time to get to that stage. She puts on a dominant front because of previous relationships, and Sky refused to go further into it. Rightfully so, it's not her story to tell, and I hope that one day I earn Harleys trust enough for her to tell me it herself.

I don't really know how I did it, but I managed to win over Sky. I think the whole dynamic chats have helped, along with Lizzie. Or I thought It all did, that was before she decided to try and fuck her.

“Wait.” I call out before she enters the kitchen. She turns around, her head tilted to the side as she's trying to work out why I've stopped her.

“I know I haven't been the best friend. I should've defended you on numerous occasions when Colin was being a.”

“Raging knob jockey cunt face? Yeah.” She cuts in, giggling a bit as she walks back down The hallway towards me.

“Yeah, that.” I mumble, staring into her eyes as she slowly walks towards me. I can't help but bite my lip as my eyes are drawn to the slightly exposed skin of her stomach, chuckling as my eye catches the cause of said skin to be shown, seeing Lizzies Scarlet witch staring back at me. “You really should take that off, Lizzie will never let you live that down.” I say. Licking my lips as I realise the implication of my words.

She either doesn't realise what I said or chooses to ignore it. “Was there a point to what you were saying?” She asks.

“Yeah, just that. I really am sorry, Harley. You deserved better. And for what it's worth, you were right.” I admit. I hate admitting I'm wrong, but weirdly, it doesn't hurt so much when it's to her.

She smiles at this, moving slightly closer as she takes my hand.

“Thanks Scar. That means a lot.” She gazes up at me as she continues, tilting her head to the side in question.

“Although, I'm right about a lot of things, mind clarifying which one you're on about on this occasion?” She has such a cheeky glint in her eye sometimes. It's so adorable, especially when she thinks she is getting one over on you. Ugh, my heart is melting here.

“I ran back to Colin because I was scared. I didn't want him back, I don't want him back. Before he left, you know, that day with the spatula.” I say, pointing at her eye. “We broke up. It was never going to work.” I whisper, with a soft smile on my lips. I don't know why, but admitting this part is harder than admitting she was right. I guess I feel like I screwed her over for nothing.

I forgot she was holding my hand until she gave it a gentle squeeze. “Are you OK?” She asks, ever so gently, the mischievous glint no longer present, instead its replaced with a look of care and sadness.

I look at her, slightly confused. “What? No, ‘I told you so?’ No, ‘why didn't you tell me?’”

Honestly, I thought she'd be all over this, saying how shit Colin is, how it wasn't helping the kids, and how I should've told her straight away. What I didn't expect was what she said.

She looks down at her feet, then back up, a gentle, adorable grin on her lips.
“Would that help you? Would it make you feel any better about a shitty situation?” She asks.

“No.” I breathe out.

A soft smile spreads across her lips, “Then why would I say any of those things? All I need to know is that you're OK and that you'll get through it. And if not, we'll work something out. I'll help any way i can. We all will. We're all here for you.”

Every time I think I've got her figured out, she does something that throws me for 6. In this moment, I appreciate her so much. After everything, she's still this adorable, big hearted sweetheart, putting everyones feeling before her own. I don't deserve her.

“I will be. I'll be fine.”

She gives me her look, the one eyebrow raised, and the slight head tilt. The one that says ‘you know better than that.’ And I do. I fix my mistake almost right away with a laugh.

“I mean, I'll be OK. I'll be OK because I have you.” I look at her for a beat, I want nothing more than to leave it at that. But I can't, it's not fair to her. “I have Lizzie and my kids. I think I even have Sky.” I say with a smirk.

With this, she shoves me into the wall gently as she rolls her eyes. Half jogging to the kitchen as she shouts over her shoulder. “Whatever Johansson, I'm getting the Jager out, and you and Sky are getting drunk! You can fight your differences out as Lizzie and I watch on laughing.”

Yeah, she's going to be the death of me.

You know that saying people just love? You turned my world upside down? I never understood why you would use it, why you would want anyone to turn everything upside down. It's pretty stupid when you think about it. Upside down to me is throwing my life off tilt, making everything harder for me. Its, I had a nice routine that worked perfectly, then you come in and fuck it all up with no thought on how it may affect me or my life. No, I don't want anyone who can turn my life upside down.

But, the opposite one, the one you never hear, the one that makes my heart swoon at the thought of. That one I love, that one I can get on board with wholeheartedly. And, the scary thing is that it seems to be fitting here. I'm starting to see it. Not just imagining what it might be like, but actually feeling it. Imagine it, your world is slowly crumbling, things are just a mess, and it feels like there's no way out. But you have to keep up appearances, god forbid you look anything other than perfectly happy with the media around. Then, from nowhere, there's this girl. You don't know what it is about her, but just with her presence, she can calm you. She's the only thing that can break through the torrent in your head and soothe it. The only one where you can just be you.

It has taken me a while to come to terms with it, to accept what i'm feeling, and how she's making me feel. But the truth is, she's slowly turning my world right side up, and the best part? She doesn't even realise she's doing it.