VeryMuchALIVE! (sing it for the hurt)

Chapter 2 - A Wrist Slitting Piece of Sh!t

I could hear my mom banging on the door, jelling for me to get up. Go to school now... go to hell now. That's where I was going. Hell. I quickly got out of bed and went into the bathroom. Time to put my mask on. "You ready for school?" mom asked. NO"Yes." I replied, with a big smile on my face, she couldn't know. I would never be ready for school, being ready for school meant being ready for getting called ugly, worthless, fat, the list goes on and on, or being ready for people to shove you into walls, hitting you till you fall, kicking you when you're down. If I was ready for that, then yes, I would be ready for school.

I slammed the car door behind me, and mom drove off. OK. I took one last big breath before I entered the schoolyard. Little children were running around me, chasing each other. For them that was just a game. How could they know that their running about brought back memories for me? Memories of being chased into a corner, nowhere to hide. People gathering around, pushing me to the ground, jelling that I should have run faster, should have tried harder. But then again I'm fat, and worthless.I can hear their voices telling me that I brought this all upon myself, it's all my fault. I deserved it...The ringing of the bell dragged me back to the present, and I started walking slowly to my classroom. Not ready for school just yet.

I was staring at the clock, not because I wanted the class to be over, just to have something to stare at, so that I wouldn't have to see all the people staring at me. They did though, they always did. Sending me all kinds of looks. You don't belong here. Sometimes they even sent notes, telling me how ugly I looked, or how much they hated me, that I should go kill myself, that all stopped when my teacher took away all their pencils, forcing them to write on computers. I'm glad she did. I didn't need those notes, people told me too many times during the day anyway. Everybody suddenly started packing around me, I didn't hear the bell ring, I was too caught up in my own thoughts. So I packed my bag and left, last one out. Always. The last to come, the last to go.  

Recess. Fun. A break in between classes. The best part of a school day, for anyone, anyone but me. For me recess meant finding a hiding place. If I couldn't I'd end up being pushed around and jelled at. So I hid, every single day, until they found me. In the end they always did. The best days were the days when I could find a hiding place so good that when they "finally" found me, they had no time to do me any harm. This, wasn't one of those days. I didn't even have the time to hide as they were all waiting for me outside the classroom door. 

"So where do you think you're going, EMO?" I knew the voice before I could even see her face, Maria. I looked up and noticed that she had brought her little pack of hyenas along with her, they where always around her. It was like none of them had a life without her, like they only lived when she was there. I didn't answer Marias question, she wasn't waiting for me to answer either. She pushed me, normally she let the others do the pushing, while she did the talking, this was just a hint to get them started. The pack took her hint and started pushing me around, with the occasional kick or stomach-punch. "I've been thinking a lot about you lately," Maria stated "and I found that you... You don't deserve to live. You're just a waste of our precious oxygen, the world would be a better place without you. It wouldn't just be better for me, but everyone, think about the society! So, why don't you just end it? Get over with it, it's not like anyone would care. You would make us all happy. Why can't you just let us be happy, Arwen? Is that too much to ask. And you do know, in that little head of yours that you DON'T deserve to live." During this entire speech I had been lying on the ground, now that she were done one of the boys gave me one last kick and they started walking away.

After getting a few steps away from me, Maria turned and raised her voice for the whole school to hear "Why don't you just go jump off a bridge or something, you little wrist slitting piece of shit?!" People around started cheering, and I ran off. No more school today. I couldn't stay there any longer. Had to get away, quick.