No Homo

I Promise

Heey guys! So I left to Wildwood (NJ) for a week (not really even but still) and there wasn't any wifi so that's why this update is late, sorrrryyyy. Anyway back to Phil's POV!
**TRIGGER WARNING**

Phil's POV

He'll never like you // He hates you // You're too fat // Are you kidding me? You're hideous! // Do you see your teeth? // You're. Just. Friends.

My mind screams at me making my stomach tie in a knot. I know I'll never get a chance but who am I hurting by daydreaming about it, and thinking about it? ..Myself.

"Hey Phil" I hear Dan call my name making me jump slightly. "Come here" he continues making me get up and leave the comfort of my room. I see him sitting on the sofa already looking at me. "Sit down" he says softly motioning to the space in front of him. I obey sitting down criss-crossing my legs. "Lift up your sleeves" he says, his eyes never leaving mine. "W-Why?" I ask and curse myself for stuttering. "Phil. Lift your sleeves" he says more sternly. I obey this time and see his face change from being a bit angry to sad.
"Why'd you do it" he asks. How could he tell? "What are you talking about?" I ask him. "Phil. I'm not an idiot, I counted them. Why did you do it again, when did you do it, and where's your blades or whatever you use" he says making me look down.
"I did it because of the reasons I told you before, I did when I was in the shower before we went out last night, and I'm not saying where they are" I finish my gaze never leaving my feet. I feel his arms wrap around me making my heart beat 10 times faster. He leans in making me blush but his head goes towards my neck.
"Just tell me" he whispers and for some reason I feel like telling him, I get a strong urge to drag him into my room and show him the hiding spot where they all are. So I do.

~

"Is that all of them?" he asks holding all of them in a sandwich baggy. I nod looking down a bit stunned, I just did this, there's no going back, he has ALL of them. I feel the bed sink a bit meaning he sat down.
"It'll be OK" he whispers to me "I promise". He pulls me into his lap leaning his head on my shoulder. "Nothing will be OK. I'll never fine, or OK" I say and already feel myself choking up. He shushes me and starts swaying us back and forth calming me down. "Everything will be OK, you'll be fine and happy because, you have me and I'm not going anywhere" he says still swaying us "Now I think it's time for a nap, you seem tired. Let's go sleep in my room" he finishes carrying me to his room as I nod lightly already feeling myself falling asleep.

~

Dan's POV

He looks so beautiful, and peaceful when he's asleep. He's always beautiful though. I start to play with his hair feeling almost stunned by this gorgeous boy next to me. How does he do this to me? Even when he's unconscious. I feel myself leaning in, his lips look so soft- Dan. Stop. You guys will always be friends, he doesn't like you like that. Is he even gay? He never did tell me. I still can't kiss him though, what if he wakes up? He'll probably hate me. Plus I can't take advantage of him like that. I grab my phone from my nightstand and sneak a quick picture of him sleeping. It's not creepy ok? He just looks so cute with his little pout he's sporting, and his fringe in his face, just everything about him is adorable and cute. I always looked at Phil and just thought, someone is going to love you so much one day then after months of denying it, I realized that someone is me. I literally have a crush on my best friend, my best friend. I don't even know if he's gay. He could be completely straight and I have no idea. This is why I can't tell him or even come out to him, what if he's homophobic? You know.. I'm sick of lying to Phil. I'm gonna have to do it. I gotta come out to Phil. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but sometime, at some point in time I need to tell him the truth and just come out. It can't be that bad, the worst thing that could happen is Phil kicks me out and hates me. Oh god. I don't wanna risk it but I don't wanna lie to Phil anymore. I run my fingers through his hair again and can't help myself anymore. I lean in but instead of kissing his lips like I've always dreamed about, I instead settle by kissing his forehead. I smile at how soft his skin is and pull him closer. He's literally perfect and I'm determined to use all the time I have before I come out to make him see that. He needs to know that he's perfect and just wonderful because when I'm gone I can't tell him so let's just hope he's fine with it.

~

Phil and I have been cuddling in my room watching horror movies for about 4 hours now. We're both sitting up our backs against my pillows and every time something scary or gory happens he buries his face in my neck, squeals at the jump scares, and sometimes even whimpers. He's too adorable. He buries his face further in my neck gripping my shirt. I smile and start to lightly rub his back. Maybe I could I come out to him if we play a game like truth or dare, I think to myself. He whimpers lightly pulling me away from my thoughts making me look at him the best I can.
"I can shut it off if you want" I say
"Noo, if you wanna watch it we still can" he replies, his voice small and slightly shaky.
"Phil, I can shut it off, I don't mind" I say as we make eye contact.
"Promise you don't mind?" he whispers looking away
"I promise" I say rubbing his cheek lightly. I pull my hand back and switch off the horror movie. "What do you wanna watch?" I ask as he sits up, our bodies now making no contact whatsoever, I can't help but feel slightly sad because of it.
"How about we watch.." he pauses thinking with his adorable pout making me wanna just grab his face and smash my lips with his but I know I can't.
"Ooh" he says pulling me from my thoughts once again "How about we watch Buffy?" he says excitingly making me smile. "Of course" I say chuckling lightly and putting it on. I lay down more getting comfortable and feel my heart skip a bit. It wasn't from the show or the inevitably of death, no, it was because Phil cuddled up to me. His head on my chest with his arm on my lower stomach. I almost immediately react on this by wrapping my arm around his shoulder and pulling him closer to me. Phillip Michael Lester, you have no idea how much I love you.

Later that day Phil spent the night in his own room saying that he felt ill and I feel kind of upset that I can't hold him. Am I too clingy? I think to myself then realize that Phil and I aren't actually dating so it doesn't really matter. He'll never like me anyway I mean he's just too good for me. I sigh to myself and hear faint crying. Is that Phil? ...No shit, no one else is in the house! I yell at myself and get up heading towards my door. Why is he crying? I inch closer to his room slowly, the cries becoming louder and louder with each step. I hear his voice whispering and almost can't even hear him.

"You're just a fuckup.. He'd never care about you" a sniffle "You're too fat, ugly, worthless, and just useless in so many ways" a sob and another sniffle "Maybe if you were dead everyone would be happy" he finishes and I feel my heart skip a beat, why does Phil think like this? How could he? He's literally the definition of perfection. I hesitantly hold my hand near the doorknob. Should I open it? He'll know I was eavesdropping then... Fuck it. I knock on the door "Phil? You OK?" I ask slowly not wanting to upset him more than he already is.
"Y-yeah" he sniffles out.
"Can I come in?"
"S-sure"
I open the door and, walk in shutting it behind me. He waves shyly and I sit next to him on his bed. His beautiful blue eyes are now slowly being invaded by the redness after mark of his earlier crying, his hair messy, he was probably pulling on it, his pale face slightly flushed with tears staining his perfect, flawless, soft skin. I really need to stop.  "What's wrong?" I ask and he sniffles again and mumbles "Too much". I feel my heart tear more, how did he hide all of this before?
"Do you wanna talk?"
"No.. you'll be mad and leave"
"Phil I could never be mad at you, or leave you, you're my best friend" the word comes out of my mouth leaving a disgusted taste behind it.  As the word sits in the air and processes in Phil's brain I can almost see him flinch the slightest.
"It doesn't matter. you wouldn't be my friend after I tell you" he says making the word "friend" sound like an insult.
"Phil I promise I won't leave or be mad" I say remaining eye contact.
"Fine" he sighs "I'll tell you"

Cliffhangerrrr cx I'm so evil. I'll update soon don't worryyy^^. So happy to be back home xoxo