Stay

52

*this isn't the last chapter. surprise* 

EVIE

Three sets of eyes stared at me in disbelief. I had been dreading this from the moment I woke up. I knew that they would each take the news differently, but I wasn't expecting complete silence.

"Hawaii is so far," said Leah. She's the first to speak up, but her voice barely travels to where I'm sitting. She's quiet... they are all quiet. I feel like I'm in a library or watching a silent movie. This was too much for me.

"I know."

"And you're sure you can't find somewhere closer?"

"I'm sure. This... this is right."

"Bullshit –" sneered Presley. "That's complete bullshit. You don't need to travel miles and miles away to a fucking island to get better. You don't need to do this by yourself. We're your best friends, Evie but you're pushing us away. That's not cool."

I wasn't surprised to have Presley blow up at me. She was the type of person who took everything personally... blamed themselves that they couldn't have done something better to help. Her reaction was expected... being angry was expected. Yet it still hurt to see it happen.

"You have to believe me. This is –"

"Don't. Stop saying it's right," Presley scoffed. "We're your sisters. You should have told us what was happening from the start."

"I knew something was happening... I could see it. I asked and –" Leah bit her lip, tears forming in her eyes. "I tried asking you but I should have tried harder. I'm so sorry," she wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me so close that I could barely breathe.

I looked over at Maggie who was quiet. Her head was bowed as she played with the rings on her right hand.

"This isn't your fault Leah –" I reply, hoping to reason with her. "This is all me."

"I don't understand... why did you go back to this? I thought you fought your bulimia two summers ago. What changed?" Presley demanded. Her glossy eyes bored into mine as she stood there. Leah untangled herself but kept my hands in hers.

Breathing has always come to me easily. Breathing is second nature. But at that moment, I felt like there was something holding down on my chest making the simple task of breathing very difficult. "I was able to for a year, but it's hard to keep that up. I knew how to hide it from you guys... from everyone."

"I don't understand why you didn't come to us when you felt the urge to do it again. You told us that you would," accused Presley. She ran her hand through her hair, tugging at the ends.

I knew why I did what I did. I knew the real reasons behind my desire to binge and purge, but to keep it as my own little secret. What I didn't know was how to explain that to my three best friends without coming off as crazy.

"I'm addicted to eating," I began. "There's something about it."

"But you've always been like that... your mom and you both like to eat," Presley pointed out. I nodded because she was right, but it became more than that.

"I felt a lot of pressure to look a certain way with soccer. They never put a sophomore in as a captain. That's practically unheard of, but they did it with me. I felt like I had to make sure I looked perfect... that my body was in the right physical shape. I needed the calories but the purging seemed to easily follow close behind. Not just throwing up but my runs became another escape.

I also saw how beautiful and perfect other girls are and it made me feel so little. I guess I got flashbacks from my relationship with Ricky."