The Ribbon Campaign

twenty nine || of hopelessness and support

Hopelessness is a feeling I had hoped I dropped once I began the Ribbon Campaign and witnessed the way it proved that a simple spark can start a wildfire of change and positivity. That's why the hopelessness and dread that fills the room when the front door closes is enough to send shivers down my spine, bringing back horrible memories and feelings I had hoped to leave in the past.

It hits me full force- the defeated, tired look on Ryan's face, the blank look on my father's, the tears welling up in my mother's eyes and Fiona's soft footsteps coming down the stairs, knowing something bad has happened and she has to approach slowly is enough to make me physically sick. It reminds me all too much of the day Ryan had gotten a phone call from his boyfriend and brought him over. The same feeling of being stuck on what to do, unknowing how to fix such a dire and complicated situation washes over our family. I feel helpless and I hate that feeling, I really do.

My eyes flicker to Ryan, who hasn't moved from where he had been hugging Caiden just a couple of minutes again. His eyes are trained out the window at the spot where the Harrison's headlights had slowly disappeared from the driveway down the street until they were gone. Ryan's face is a loud mix of emotions, but he's quiet. Ryan usually talks and talks long after everyone around him has had enough, but even during Caiden's fight Ryan was silent. A deadly silent, as if he knew that if he were to speak he spit out a flurry of angry insults that wouldn't help.

I watch as Ryan's jaw tightens and he grits his teeth. Closing his eyes, he huffs out a deep breath and turns around, his eyes opening again to reveal tired hazel orbs. Without looking at anyone, Ryan softly says, "I'll be in my room," before climbing up the stairs, dodging my mother waiting at the top.

My father follows Ryan's lead, moving to the steps where he kisses my head and mutters, "Get some sleep, Ellie," before slowly making his way up the stairs. My mother grabs her hand and uses her other arm to hug Fiona, leading them upstairs. Sitting alone in the dark then, my mood plummets completely. Just earlier I was bouncing with happiness from finally revealing my speech to the world, and now I'm sitting alone in the dark, feeling the aftermath of unfairness and discrimination lingering in the air around me.

Nothing changed. It all came back around to this feeling, this helplessness of not being able to do anything about something you don't like. Just like a circle, a horrible cycle, I was brought right back to the start in the same position I had been in before. I sigh.

Maybe it was never really possible to make a change.

x

Later that night, I pour out my thoughts to Sadie. She had been the one I went to before I met Bryce, the reason I had started the campaign in the first place. She was my rock and I needed her. It felt a bit better to write out my thoughts, but her reply had made me freeze.

Sadie: So you're just going to give up?

Ellie: Well no, I'm going to continue the campaign...

Sadie: You sound like you're giving up. Ellie, you DID make a change. Everywhere I go, there's a ribbon around someone's wrist. You showed me all those messages you get, about how your campaign made an impact to someone's life and helped them through the struggles they're going through. Why would you want to stop now?

Ellie: It's obviously not working! Caiden's parents still see Caiden as a monster for what he is, Ryan and Caiden were JUMPED for being gay.

Sadie: Ellie, you're never going to be able to stop all the evil in the world. But that little piece you're making better should mean the whole world to you. To make a change, even small (though this one is far from being small) is amazing. You need to be proud and focus more on the good than bad.