Unseen

-30-

       I'm not sure how I get back to James' flat. Whether he dragged me or I followed him, I don't know. I just know we are here when James says so. That is the moment my knees give out and I end up on the floor. I can't cry, I don't even shake, I just stay there, numb.

Is this how my mum felt during fifteen years? Did she live like this?

"Mum," I whisper once again, my heart breaking at the thought she's gone, I couldn't save her. It's all my fault, now she's dead because I lost focus of what matters most.

If I... If I had been home instead of seeking for Diana this wouldn't have happened. And what did I get from scaring her? I didn't really fulfil my unfinished business, I can't even go with Mum to wherever this different realm is. She's gone, forever. And I'm still here.

I know she said it wasn't my fault. I remember how she thanked me for being by her side. But that doesn't take all the guilt away, all the sorrow because I've lost my mother. And I know the irony of being like this when a part of me should be happy that my mum could see me, that we are the same now. But no, it's not the same. I'm a soul that's being held for killing herself before her due time, whereas my mum is a soul that left to rest already because she did nothing wrong. I can't even see her anymore. I've lost her the same as any living person loses a loved one. The same way she lost me fifteen years ago... at my own hands.

I cover my face with my hands, looking almost as someone who is crying, but no tears can come out. Yet I'm sobbing, my shoulders shake and I can't breathe, I whine and let all my feelings our of every sob, even if these are dry ones.

"Mum, I'm so sorry... Mum... together, we should be together."

What can I do? How do I follow her when it's not my time? She gave me answers no one else could, but these only add up to the sorrow burning my soul out.

"Agh, fuck this," I hear James' curse, breaking through my own mourning and giving me the enough time to look up and see the moment his hands reach out for me, his arms wrapping around my frame and pulling me towards him.

I freeze, the knowledge of what this is causing him the most important thing on my mind right now, like an alarm going off, telling me to take care of this first.

"No, don't do this. No!" I protest, trying to escape but his grip is made of iron.

"No, let me do this... let me do this much for you. Let me help you somehow," he says, his voice tense because it's clear he's clenching his jaw. "Don't feel it on your own, Paige. I'm here with you. Share your pain and don't force me to just watch you. I can't do that. Let me at least shed the tears you can't."

I stop struggling, not knowing what to do. I want to spare him this because hurting him is the worst I could do, but I need him so much. Someone to hold me because I'm in pieces and I'm afraid I will just fade away if I don't have his arms around me.

"You're hurting," I protest.

"I can endure it... for you," he replies stubbornly, burying his face in my hair, his mouth next to my ear, his words being whispered right there. "Leaving you alone right now would hurt me more."

I give up. I can't fight him anymore, so I wrap my own arms around his neck, clinging to him for dear life and letting him hold me in one piece. I keep sobbing in his arms but the tears fall from his eyes. The same pain I'm feeling is the one he's experiencing, we are sharing my own agony and even if it's painful, it isn't lonely.

I squeeze the fabric of his hoodie in my fists, hiding my own face in his neck. His hands rub my back and his breathing moves my hair. It's ragged and hard, it speaks of pain and sorrow, but at the same time it's the most comforting thing someone could do. I don't know what I would've done if James hadn't been next to me. I don't think I would be able to keep a hold of my own mind without him next to me.