99 Days Without You

Days 31 and 32

Day Thirty-One:

I guess that up until now, I have had this thought in my mind that you were coming back, and that this was all one huge terrible nightmare I was having. I could wake up at any moment and you would be lying next to me, smiling like you did every morning. But I’m starting to realize that you’re not going to come back. Today I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I think the boys knew that I would want to be alone, so I wasn’t bothered with texts or phone calls, and nobody stopped by our flat to see if I was alright. I appreciated it, though it’s probably because they were mourning on their own as well. I spent the entire day sitting in your favorite chair, staring blankly at the television as I drank the pain away. Three or maybe four beers max, and I was dropped on the floor and crying my eyes out. The pain of reality just sort of… hit me.

Day Thirty-Two:

I felt the rush today. It felt nice, and I watched in awe as the blood oozed out of my hand, the glass shards of the bedroom mirror shattered at my toes. I don’t know what had snapped in me, but I just couldn’t bear to look at my reflection any longer. So I punched it, harder than I have ever punched anything in my life.

The pains of the cuts were only temporary, and I soon felt a wave of ecstasy come over me. I liked the feel of controlling my own pain, instead of it being planted on me for once.

I was in the middle of dabbing the cuts clean when Liam walked in, saying he had heard a crash when suddenly he stopped, and stared at my hand. He stared at my hand and then the shattered mirror and then my face. I think it came off as a bit odd that I was smiling, but he immediately dragged me out of the bedroom, forcing me into his car and driving me off to the hospital.