You Don't Know What It's Like (Kellic)

Chapter 19

Just when you think everything is getting better, something happens to your little bubble of security and there you are. Scared and afraid of the world, but mostly hating yourself for one, thinking it'd actually be okay; two, for falling back into the simple routine of self destruction.

Life isn't a fairy tale. You don't meet someone, fall for them, and immediately the world is a-o-fucking-kay. But damn if I didn't wish that's how it could be.

My arm stung with fresh cuts, some I'd come to regret when I come down. Mike asked me one day, why do I do it? I don't honestly know. Cutting is such a simple thing to do to get away from your thoughts. Letting the blood spill isn't a cowardly act, no. What's cowardly is letting your friends and family down when they find out you're more broken than you let on. Or making them a promise and breaking it like you're breaking your skin with a simple piece of metal. It's all too simplistic to be real and fuck if I'm not questioning my existence now I don't know what the hell this is.

I could've been stronger. I could've resisted the urge. Though I'm not sure if I had wanted to. Relapse isn't as beautiful as people make it out to be. You're broken, sobbing uncontrollably and gasping for breath between. You've let everyone down and you have to deal with that guilt. You've essentially failed and that only fuels your fire more. But isn't that all we are: failures?

I pulled a towel from under the sink, wet it, and drug it over the wounds quite aggressively in any attempt to rid the blood. The pain brought tears to my eyes, but I'm not sure if pain is all that caused it.

Why can't I do anything right? I made Kellin a promise, not too hard to keep. But I let my thoughts in and they completely ruined me. I contemplated waking Kellin up, but it had been a long day and he needed rest.

Tears rolled down my cheeks.

I was getting better. What happened?

A surge of anger bolted through my veins. Before I could even comprehend what I was doing, I had flushed my blade down the toilet. I don't know which I regret more: cutting or flushing it.

Arms wrapped around my waist and a kiss was placed on my shoulder blade. I don't deserve him.

I turned in his arms and pulled him closer to me. His eyes were bloodshot and his lips were a bit swollen.

"Kells, what's wrong?" I brushed his black hair back, tucking it behind his ear.

"Don't you dare ask me what's wrong."

I pulled back, taken aback by his sudden anger.

"Yes, I'm proud that you flushed it. But I don't think you know how much it hurts to walk in here to find your boyfriend's arm covered in blood as he practically pulls his hair out." A whole new wave a tears fell from his eyes. "I sat right outside the door, waiting and watching. Hoping you wouldn't hurt yourself any more than you already have." A sob passed his lips.

"You're worth so much more than this." He was full-fledged breaking down right in my arms. Guilt ate me alive like an animal.

"You don't know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night scared of the thoughts in your head. The ones telling you to hurt yourself and end it all Kellin." My own voice was shaking and on the verge of break down as well.

"I don't. You're right. But let me show you what it's like to never feel that way again." He was practically pleading with me.

He took a deep and shaky breath before burying his face in my chest. I could feel the sobs ripping through him.

Kellin shouldn't had to of seen me twice this way. That's twice more than I'd like. I hate hurting him but I'm in love with hurting myself and I need to choose which is more important to me.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, rubbing his back.

I was getting better. I guess a switch flipped inside me, and I went chaotic.

"Come cuddle with me?" He spoke barely above a whisper, but I heard it.

I scooped him up in my arms, put him on the bed, and scooted up right beside him. He intertwined our fingers and rested his head on my chest. I traced mindless patterns in his back with my free hand.

Kellin and I are in this position quite often. I'm not complaining though. As long as he's in my arms, the world seems to be okay. Whether I have fresh wounds littering my arm or not. He makes me question why I even hurt myself in the first place.

Kellin is my lifeline, and I'm not shy of admitting that.

--

Sorry sorta.

Again, like I said before, things get better. But not always immediately. Like a wonderful Kellin once said: you've gotta fall before you fly.