Shoot The Jerk

Chapter 11: She Wanted Me To Marry You Yesterday.

She Wanted Me To Marry You Yesterday.

CHAPTER  11

Kayla

Today is Sunday.

I loved those three magic words. There’s nothing else that can get me to grin like a maniac that fast.

“Stop making gooey eyes at your bacon. It looks like you’re going to kiss it anytime now.”

“Good morning to you too, Mom.”

My mother looked nothing like me. She was a tiny woman with light brown hair and soft green eyes. I had the same dark hair and blue eyes as my father. Also, my mom had a weird obsession with me getting up early to go catch a boyfriend. Sometimes, I got a creepy feeling that she was serious.

“Morning!? It’s eleven ‘o’ clock! You slept for twelve hours straight! Again!”

“So what? And it is morning! Noon starts at twelve.”

“Don’t you dare try that argument with me. Last week you got up at noon! What do I always tell you about sleeping too much?”

“That it’s good for my brain cells?”

“No! It’s bad for your health! People who sleep so much get fat. You don’t want to get fat, do you?”

I looked down at my body. I wasn’t as light or thin as Martha, but I was taller and pretty slim, too.

“Do I look like I’m going to get fat anytime soon?”

“No. I wish you’d put on some weight, though. Especially on your breasts.”

“Mom!”

What is it with people and staring at my body parts? First, the principal tells me I’ve got good legs, then Brody gets all creepy, and now it’s Mom and my breasts? Okay, I could do with a bigger pair, but mine are not non-existent!

“What?”

“Stop staring at them.”

“What’s there to stare at?”

“Oh God! I feel so sorry for myself! It’s just my rotten luck that I get you as a mother to tide me through my insecure, under-confident teenage years.”

I sniffled and pretended to wipe the invisible tears off my cheek.

“Aww, baby, come on, you’ve got nice B-cups. It’s not like mine are any bigger.”

“Eww, Gross!”

“Well, you did ask me to console you.”

“I surrender. I’d rather have you talk about my breast size than yours! Actually I’d rather you didn’t talk at all.”

“Ouch. By the way, what about that handsome boy you brought home the other day?”

“I did not bring home any boy!”

“Oh, right. He brought you. Literally. How was he?” My mom asked me, wiggling her eyebrows.

“He was heaven. Like, the best among the thirty four guys I’ve had.”

“Stop it, Kayla. That’s disgusting.”

My mother might seem to be good at cracking dirty jokes and all, but she can’t handle me saying stuff related to sex. She didn’t even allow me to get a tattoo from Martha’s mother. Though that might be because Martha’s mother, Brittany, had once called her an interfering old harpy.

Of course, my mother had called her a bitch in heat in return.

The point is, my dad, my mom and Arnold had been childhood friends. My parents had never really liked Arnold’s wife, and finally, even Arnold got sick of her, which resulted in an ugly divorce. So, while the divorce was underway, Brittany would go out of her way to insult my mom. Ditto with my mom.

Brittany had this weird idea in her head that my mom was the reason Arnold was ‘influenced’ into leaving her. She even came to my house one night to tell my dad that she thought my mom and Arnold were having an affair. My dad had laughed in her face. Which she didn’t like. At all.

Now that she was living in the other side of the town, Martha didn’t meet her often, which was okay, since the divorce happened when Martha and I were two years old. Martha’s mother wasn’t that bad, or maybe she’d just improved, but I was on good terms with her. I’d give her a six on ten on my Adult Rating Scale.

Just so you know, my mom gets an infinity. On the negative side.

“So what’s with this Jake guy? Marriage material? He’s got nice eyes. And hair.”

“I’ll tell him you said so.” A familiar horn sounded. I knew for a fact that it belonged to Matt’s BMW. I jumped up.

“Got to go, mom. Mr. Baxter gets a minus eighty on my Adult Rating Scale. Actually, he’s not even an adult. He’s making my life miserable!” I wailed.

“No, he just wants you to get married. Why else would he be sending hot guys your way?”

“Uh huh. That’s Matt outside.”

“Oh, that boy! Why did you stop dating him? He was perfect. You should have married him.”

“Bye mom.”

I’ve learnt to just ignore all the matrimonial suggestions my mother keeps on dropping, like, a hundred times a day. Sometimes I think I should stick a sign on my forehead saying: I’m ONLY seventeen!

I picked up my camera, and sprinted out of the house. My equipment was already in Matt’s car. Mr. Baxter had decided to let us choose the replacements, but the catch was, I had to choose the guy, and Jake got to choose the girl, since she was to pose with him.

He’d chosen Gillian, who was by far the prettiest girl in the school, and she looked real too, unlike Courtney. She was also, fortunately, likeable. But I still had better legs. Ha. I’d chosen Matt as my helper, because he was the best guy friend I had. Since the past two days, we had been shooting.

The first day was Gillian’s solo shoot. The second day, we had the couple shoot. And today’s agenda’s were Jake’s solo shoot and my ‘shoes and hats’ slot. So, Gillian wasn’t coming today. I would miss her, really. She was nice.

Last day of the shoot. We were going to the park, where Jake would meet us. After this, we were to shortlist the photos by voting and then give them to Mr. Baxter. Yup, long day ahead. But since it was Sunday…I was happy.

“So, what did Mommy-Zilla say?” Matt asked when I got into the car. We had tried calling her Mom-zilla, but it had just sounded too scary.

“She wanted me to marry you yesterday.”

“Sorry. I’m not going to be there when you lose your virginity. I don’t want to turn deaf. Maybe later?”

“Shut up and drive.”

“Rihanna.” I got confused, until it hit me. Shut up and Drive, the song!

“You know, it’s kind of gay how you can guess chick songs faster than I can.”

“Nah. I just think she’s hot.”

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I want a Matt like ex boyfriend. Okay fine, I'll even settle for a Matt like boyfriend ;)

RandomFactAboutMe #11: Green leafy vegetables kill joy. I can tolerate Spinach though. Maybe it's all those Popeye episodes :P