FEELS: The College Diaries

Chapter Six - Moving On

The summer holidays were quickly approaching, exams finished weeks ago for the first years so there really was no reason to be in college at all. This was due to the increasing lack of work, the only reason I attend at all now is because I get to see Lena.

I began to find myself sitting in the library more often; it was a lot more peaceful in college due to the year above leaving. It was serenity. I would look out the large window to show the stony corridor outside, which let it light and made the place glow.

I could sit now without the need to close my eyes, I could listen to my music online, type without the fear of what others were thinking, so I could pour my heart out and focus more on the my stories, instead of work. This was quite a difference compared to last month when I was stressing over a Sociology exam which I knew I was going to do very well in anyway.

I spotted Scott walking past me as I headed towards the canteen, he was wearing cropped jeans and a loose v necked shirt on, which was suitable for the on and off warm weather. He glanced over at me quietly, as if I was going to grab him or look at him in a seductive way. This may have not been true, but I got that vibe.

When he had passed, I looked back when I knew he wasn't looking. Damn I hated him, but he was what girls my age would call 'fit'. Could you blame me? He had such muscular arms, a lovely head of hair, and he was a good height too.

But it soon came to my realisation that he was the kind of boy that I should 'look and not touch'. I know that's what you say when you look at an antique and it's so valuable that you should touch just in case it breaks and you'll have to pay for it. This suited my situation with Scott.

Here's a perfect example I came up with to conclude my theory, such as the way you see a Peacock and you admire its lovely radiant feathers but then if you approach it, the Peacock can be quite violent and not nearly as lovely as its appearance.

I don't mean to say that Scott is violent, but it summed up my relationship with him, basically I was the admirer and when I tried to interact with him, he wasn't as nice in personality compared to his looks. Maybe he was a nice boy, but he just wasn't interested in me. He seemed a lot kinder in my dreams, so that's saying something.

For a while I've wanted to know where I stood relationship wise with Cain, did he fancy me or did he only see me as a friend? Well I found out when I sat in my ICT lesson yesterday.

I was faced my screen as usual, with my back turned from Cain, he and his friends were chatting away, then that was when my heart hit rock bottom.

"Did you see that girl on the field?" Cain asked.

"Yeah which one?"

"The one by me?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Didn't you think she was fit?" Cain said with a linger in his voice.

"Yeah."

I switched off after that, they were talking about all hot girls who they saw, and I was sat there. The only girl in the room, it really didn't help my self esteem anymore.

I stared at my monitor, thoughts circling through my brain as the conversation came to a close.

"He doesn't fancy me at all," I thought to myself, "He's talking about girls he fancies right in front of me, I thought he liked me...... Who am I kidding, who would like me? I've got a face of a primary school girl!!"

I floated out of the classroom and returned home feeling in a deep dark hole of despair.

My mum and Penny sat across from me in the living room, as I laid in the corner of the sofa.

"Oh he didn't sound like much anyway!!" My mum comforted.

I narrowed my eyes, "You said that about every boy I've fancied and it hasn't worked out."

"Why do you always go for the boring geeky boys?" Penny pointed out.

I fancied boys who worked hard in class and were nice, so if she thought that was geeky then I must be a bit myself too. It must be the type I like, nothing wrong with that is there?

"I don't know..." I shrugged.

"You wouldn't want a relationship anyway..." Penny said, even though she hadn't ever been in one either.

"I must have scared him away," I sighed, "One of the last things I said to him was 'Wow it's as if you read my mind!' I must have creped him out."

Penny smirked, "No that sounds normal, I mean what you said. That wouldn't have scared him away."

I lowered my head turned away from them both, "I'm such an idiot, but he's really nice though and I thought someone liked me for once..."

"You'll find someone someday!" My mum said which I heard for the hundredth time.

Then she began to ramble on how she met my dad, which I've heard once again more than hundred times. Which I wasn't too sure if it was meant to comfort me or make me feel worse.

So I currently fancy no one because nobody likes me back. Since it's a waste of time to feel down and longing to be with someone, when actually it's never going to happen and won't change anything. By doing this I'm saving myself a lot of heart ache and grief, which I should have thought of doing this when I knew both Scott and Cain were not available. Yet instead I decided to dwell and feel sorry for myself.

I'm going to focus on my writing and any other things I've got planned, such as going out with my friends, reading books and making the most of the time I have left with Penny before she goes to university.

I did have some of this planned before Cain started talking to me again, then I sort of lost track and focused on that instead, which was good considering exams and revision.

I'm an independent woman; I don't need a man to make me happy, since I never had one in the first place. I need to stop getting attached to people who I'm not even in a relationship, unless they are a celebrity who lives miles away or a fictional character!!

I don't have to time to cry under blankets and think about all the things that could have been, when actually I got to live my life in the present and think of the positives. I'm young and got plenty of time for love to find me.

One day I'm going to meet a great guy, with nice hair, funny personality and long legs who will make me forget about my past crushes and he'll be fantastic. Well at least I hoped so.