FEELS: The College Diaries

Chapter Eleven - Vulnerable

Whenever September comes round, the start of a new year in the educational system, you like to think of it as a new fresh start. I always imagine that I'd do things differently or that things will change for me in some aspects. But so far, sadly everything seems to be the Same as I left in the summer.

I'm still in Media with Ivy, however the class has slightly altered and somehow merged with another group, which are quite the opposite compared to my old quiet class where I could confidently get involved with debates.

Whilst now I feel I've become my withdrawn self, especially due to now that I'm in a room full of strangers for form and my old form teacher, who I would confide in about my problems and Narcolepsy, now my new form teacher is nice but she overlooks me and doesn't know hardly anything about me. I still haven't had my usual talks with the lady from Study support, which isn't so good since I feel exhausted majority of the time and have even more going on at home now.

It's strange how I was thinking about one of Ivy's friend, how I seen her at Ivy's at her birthday and drove us in her car, I mentioned in previously. Anyway, her name is also Ivy, so I'm going to refer to Ivy, who I talk about a lot, also in my media, as Ivy small because she is smaller than the other Ivy, who I will call Ivy Tall; this is to save the confusion.

Anyway, Ivy Tall she's redoing her two years at college. She's a very nice girl and she's quite talented too when it comes to drawing, she can draw Taylor Swift and Disney characters which impressed me instantly. It makes a change to the small group of friends I see every day, she's a year older than us.

I haven't moved ICT classes either, I originally did, but I don't think I'll be able to be in a room full of people I didn't know once more, since I was becoming a lot more less enthusiastic about talking to new people if they didn't approach me first. So at least I was familiar with one of my classes, even if nobody in it spoke me very much.

Cain walked into class, with a beard, a new spiky haircut and glasses. The boys joked that they didn't recognise him at first and that he looked like a thirty year old man. Surprisingly, I don't mind it. I'm not so fussy about appearances now, due to going out with Alan he was getting to the beard stage, at the end of the day it's the person who counts. But I did prefer how he use to look though.

I feel Cain probably wants to engage with me more during class, but I feel his friends don't want me to and that he'd prefer to speak to them instead. So when he does talk to me it's usually something short and not dragged out too long. Yet I love talking to him and end up making an idiot out of myself. I feel he either sees this as cute or creepy, I'm going to go with the likely choice which is of course 'creepy'.

I worry that he may assume I don't like talking to him because I don't talk to him very much or attempt to speak to him first, he's going to give up on me eventually and I'm confused why he hasn't already because I'm really not worth the time of day. Also another reason why I act so distant is because he has a girlfriend, well at least I think he does, so I don't want him getting too friendly with me or him finding out I fancy him that he won't want to talk to me no more.

Even if Cain was single and did ask me out, if he liked me obviously which I doubt, I kind of got more insight of how a typical relationship goes like. Yes I have little and not exactly an expert, but I got a more experience than I did before the summer.

Penny left for university at the start of the month. I had been dodging the realisation of it for the last three months. I tried not to act any differently towards her, since it didn't feel like it was going to happen and we had been waiting for so long that it felt as if it was never going to happen.