FEELS: The College Diaries

Chapter Three - Winter Blues

I worry if the time came, if it ever did in my wildness dreams, well reality.... How would someone who I was dating or who fancied me react to me having Narcolepsy with Cataplexy? A number of ways I've come up with:

a)      He would no longer like me and run away

b)      Accept me and my flaws with open arms

c)       Pretend to understand and get frustrated with me, which will lead to dumping me.

To be honest, I can't see why anyone would want to be with me. I know there are people who have Narcolepsy who have a perfectly good love life and even start a family.

This is only how I feel about myself, not other people who are in the Same situation. But why would Cain, if he did fancy me, want to be with a girl who feels sleepy sometimes and when she laughs too much ends up collapsing or looking as if she's having a spazzum?

The results will be him getting annoyed or my face in a bowl of soup on a date, relating to the cataplexy not Narcolepsy. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to be with me, even without anyone's acknowledgement of my disease, they still don't like me in the way I want anyway!!

So Cain WOULD prefer to choose a girl who is fully alert, bursting with energy and who he can have a good old laugh with over me. It's a fact and I'm worried to tell anybody now because I may scare them away, yet they can leave if they don't like being around me, but I can't, I have to live like this.

I was watching a funny YouTube video once, my little sister, Veronica, who is in her last few years of high school, noticed that I started becoming cataleptic when I was laughing too much. I've become worse, I'm growing deeper in my cataplexy spells and it's becoming harder to get out of them. After a good ten seconds or less, my head which was bobbing down which my eyes closed and a smile still lingering as I quietly laughed.

"Audrey!!" She said hopelessly, "Y...You're scaring me."

When people touched me, it would cause me to go on for longer, when I finally grew out of my cataplexy fit, she looked at me with widened brown eyes, "Stop it."

I could hardly look at her, she made me feel like a freak, I felt hurt, "Ve I can't help it."

I lowered my head as I stormed upstairs; tears came to my eyes as I closed my bedroom door behind me.

I hated that I was becoming something that scared my own sister, if my own sister reacted like that, what would anyone else react like?! I hated myself, I hated this disease, I wanted to laugh without the fear of going into myself and feeling numb. Yet no one understood and nobody knew how much I was scared too.

If it wasn't the internet I think I wouldn't be mentally stable, yes you would think the opposite due to all the silly cat videos and animated unicorns, also cyber bullying and other stuff.

But I researched my sleepiness symptoms online so if it wasn't for that, I would still be wondering what the hell was wrong with me and probably would have brushed it off as nothing. I find it quite therapeutic to due to venting out my feelings on one of my many Tumblr blogs, then to get advice and others opinions.

Also it's not too difficult to find others who are experiencing the Same thing, also how everyone seems to support each other on certain websites which saves lives, such as suicides.

People say how the internet is a burden and how it's causing people to do crimes and cyber bullying, yet I don't think they see the good side of it, others sticking together and reassuring each other, friendships are made and in some circumstances, lives are saved.

I had been going to a weekly meeting with a study support teacher, Pat. Who I ended up crying my way to her services, due to none of teachers being fully aware of my medical condition and feeling too tired to do any work when I was home, which added even more stress. We would usually talk about how I getting on with my medication, any problems in class and so on.

She was a small nice old woman; she was firm yet understanding and helpful in areas.

I never use to be nearly as chatty or comfortable around teachers when I was younger, but now I worried if I was a bit too comfortable.

 I always ended up rambling on about little stories involving my Narcolepsy, such as, 'the sister, aka Penny, making me laugh so much that I fall to the floor like jelly hitting my head on the freezer' story. Yet Pat never seemed to mind, since she would exchange her own experiences or any events that were happening in her life with her own family that related.

I didn't have any more exams or problems with work in class, since I nearly finished all of it or didn't have any at all, so I wasn't going to see her for a while, also due to the summer holidays quickly approaching.

Sometimes I would leave her office, with eyes diverted in my direction, since it was based in the 'silent study' which was where students would work if they wanted to work in peace. But it was as if people would look at me to think, 'Oh I wonder what's wrong with her?'

Since mostly the special needs students, which always seemed secluded away from the rest of the college, would visit study support.

I know not everyone may think of that. But I remember before I was diagnosed and went for help myself, I use to think that. Also now I'm not so critical, since I'm not myself one of those people.

I walked home afterwards, the great thing about college, which going to sixth form wouldn't off included so much, was that if you didn't have any more lessons in that day you could go home without any teachers saying 'Where are you going?!'.

You can easily get sent home too, all you have to do is tell a teacher, fill out a form then off you go. But if you were really ill, I don't think there would be enough time.

I loved going home early, but whenever I wonder out of college now, my thoughts would slowly transition to Cain. It was happening again, this repeated cycle:

1. The guy I fancy talks to me, so I'm happy.

2. Imagine and daydream a possibility of us being together in the future.

3. Then something happens to shatter this childish daydream, such as seeing him walk with his girlfriend or he ignores me, both really.

 4. I'm miserable and realise how stupid I was, then I begin to think of how I'll never find anybody and go into a depressed state.

5. And...... Repeat!

It felt as if the Same exact cycle was happening again, except this time with Cain. The last time it was with Scott, who I hardly even achknowledge his existence now, but I get an awkward vibe of him. As if he knew I liked him, it's as if I'm part of some joke, where he knows and his friends have their eyes glued to me, wondering when I'm going to prance on him.

But it was slowly sinking in that maybe Cain wouldn't want to go out with me, since we didn't have much in common except for being in the same class. He liked to drink alcohol, I didn't like the taste, also due to my Cataplexy is slightly risky and the drugs I was on wouldn't allow it.

He spoke about it to Matthew while we were waiting at the printer together at the end of the week. I was silent; it was as if I turned invisible or melted in the floor.  I kept looking round or at the floor, which probably made them feel just as uncomfortable being round me. I couldn't join in with the whole, 'oh are you going out this weekend?' thing. Meaning they went clubbing or getting drunk, I don't know if Cain actually enjoyed doing these things or he simply gave into peer pressure due to his friends doing the same.

It made me feel as if I was weird that I wasn't doing these things too or maybe for him to like me, I would have to get intoxicated too. I was friends with people who didn't do this, I didn't intend to if it would affect my condition. But I knew there would be a time in the future where everyone else will be getting drunk, while I'll be looked down upon or treated like a freak for not wanting to.

If looking after my body, meant feeling uncomfortable or losing people who did these things, then it will have to be done.