FEELS: The College Diaries

Chapter Two - Harsh Reality

I peered round the corner to find myself in a stable. It looked as if it was Christmas, this came to mind due to the decorations and presents, he appeared. Niall was there, a boy who I had a crush on for two years who never liked me.

I ran into his arms, he smiled holding me back, "I love you."

I looked up tearfully, "Y... You do? But you said you didn't."

He smiled warmly, "Well I do now."

I rose suddenly from bed, my heart was racing, and my face was wet from tears.

Why was I crying you may wonder, does it need saying? I was so glad to finally have someone who loved me back then to wake up to find in reality. But that's not the case. Why wouldn't you cry?

I wondered into class, slumping into my chair, I was having the worse day ever. The bus came late; I was in some much in a rush that I stood in dog crap. Then I got yelled at by my teacher in ICT for being late and doing my homework incorrectly, which I didn't really understand in the first place.

I always looked longingly across to Scott while we sat in class. Also every time I passed him in the corridor I always stopped in my tracks and have a throbbing sensation in my chest.

I wish I could make my life more interesting to read about. Maybe I could pretend that there was an apocalypse or alien invasion on earth. Which would lead to a near death experience, but Scott would rescue me and hold me in his chunky arms.

Or where one day, he confesses his love for me and we can kiss in the rain like in one of those Nicholas Sparks movies. I would give up on him and be all so sassy, and then he'll be like 'damn I'm such an idiot.' Then his ever so serious I-don't-care-less-about-you mask will disappear and his true caring self will come through, as he couldn't stand to lose me. If only.

But no, this story isn't fiction. Its reality, plain boring harsh reality. Where the most romantic contact I ever had with a boy, was when one boy kissed my ear when I was twelve. But then he spread rumours that we went out, began teasing me and then I found myself in a downward spiral which led me moving high schools. Also the only time when I do confess is usually ends in rejection.

My friend, Ivy who was in my Media class, asked if she could take some pictures of me for her coursework. I had to wear a dress, so I wore a white lace dress, which I didn't wear very often. Along with a pair of dark tights and boots. I didn't realize how short the dress was until I stepped out in the autumn cold and wore my coat, which covered the whole dress up, it was slightly above my knees. So basically it looked like I wasn't wearing anything at all.

It crossed my mind that Scott may have noticed. I did want him to notice, but I didn't want him to suddenly start liking me because I wore a short dress. Also I didn't want him to think I was some sort of floozy.

I walked through college, some heads turned, then when I got to class I was wore a scruffy knitted cardigan over the dress, so you couldn't actually see it much. He didn't turn his head once.

Later on, I waited for Ivy outside of class later on. Scott came out of class, he barely noticed me.

I felt myself slump into a deep hole of sorrow, did I really have no appeal at all?! Now thinking back, what was I expecting? Did I want him to wink in my direction and say, "Ooff!!"

No, that would have just been uncomfortable and weird, also very out of character. But it has been two months and nothing was happening. I could feel myself losing hope as each day passed. I wanted to forget him and erase these emotions, for my own sanity.

But now I was feeling so sad and low, it was pathetic. I prayed to God, "I hope all this pain and sorrow is worth it, if not please help give me the strength to move on. Amen."