You belong with me

Chapter 10

'Toni cheated on me.' The words are playing in my head again and again. I stare at the sobbing girl in my arms unsure of what to do. I can't believe it. All this time I secretly hoped Toni would fuck up because I wanted Karlie, but now that it happened I would do everything to turn back time and change it. Not because I want to 'save' Toni but because of Karlie. Seeing her like this, broken, desperate and hopeless - it kills me. My stomach hurts as well as my head even though I'm not the one who got cheated on. She seems so lifeless, her sunshine is missing everything that was so typical Karlie is gone. I stroke her hair, I kiss the top of her head and whisper 'It's okay'. It is a lie. Obviously. Probably the most common lie all around the world. Everyday happen horrible things and even the happiest people break down in tears and doubt the fact that their life is really worth living and we have no idea how to help them. There is no instruction how to comfort a person who is going through mental pain. Medicine is for people with physical pain and it works and of course we have doctors for mental problems but what do you tell a person who just lost something that was probably the most important thing of their life? You lie to them. You tell them 'Everything's going to be okay' and 'Everything will be fine'. Because the best you can do for them is give them hope. It's the only thing that'll help. And yes - it doesn't matter if it's a lie or not. As long as the people somehow believe in it, it'll keep them going and that's the goal.

"What happened? Tell me the whole story Karlie." Finally I've spoken. Her speech gets interrupted by sobs but she somehow makes it. "Toni wasn't at school today which was weird. All the people were looking at me weird and whispering and stuff it was so strange. And I texted Toni but she didn't text back. At lunch Cara dragged me outside and she told me that she talked to someone who knew a girl who was at the party last night and she said that Toni fucked someone yesterday at the party." I look into her eyes. The normally so calm green eyes I love so much show nothing but anger. I swallow hard before I talk again. "But are you sure? You know how easy rumors spread the world and 95% of the time they are anything but true. People talk. What if Toni's sick? Sometimes when I'm sick I don't want my phone around me because all the drama and stuff makes me want to throw up. Probably she has just talked to someone and in the end you're crying about nothing." Her sobs have stopped finally but her tears are still running down her beautiful cheeks. She looks like a mess, she looks so different but I still see the beautiful girl in my arms, the girl I have a crush on since almost a year, the girl who is most likely the love of my life. She slowly opens her mouth to speak: "What if it's true Taylor?" I don't have an answer for that. Karlie has definitly decided for herself that it's true. "But Karlie - the past week you told me that you don't have the feeling, that you're in love with her, anymore. Nothing felt that good anymore remember? What if... what if you should just let go? Why don't you just remember it as an amazing year, your first love, why don't you just accept that it's over? You weren't happy in this relationship anymore - probably this is the universe telling you to end it before it gets worse and this right now is the best thing that has ever happened to you?" I feel her body tense in my embrace and she pushs me away from her. Surprised I stare at her. Karlie's eyes are filled with anger and disgust. "How dare you Taylor? Are you insane? You're implying that Toni CHEATING on me is the best thing that has ever happened to me??? That I should be happy about it?? That I should just accept it and move on and live my life like my girlfriend of one year has not just cheated on me???" "Kar that came out the wrong way, I didn't meant it like that! Look - probably Toni simply isn't the one for you and even though it hurts now you'll be happy about it later when you're with the right person. I just-" "GET OUT!" "Karlie come on! Listen to-" "GET OUT OF MY FUCKING CAR!!!" "Karlie I swear to god lis-" "TAYLOR SWIFT LEAVE MY CAR OR I PUSH YOU OUT YOU FUCKING BITCH!" I stare at her with an open mouth. What was that? I open the door and step out of the car. The door wasn't even closed yet when Karlie drives away. So here I stand at 0:29 am in the dark outside of a hospital. It took me some time to realize that I'm crying. I fall on my knees and cry. I cry like a baby with all kinds of ugly noises and shit but I don't give a fuck. All I wanted to do was help her, all I ever wanted was her to love me but instead I made her hate me. Karlie Kloss hates me. Tonight I've lost the love of my life before I could ever have her. That's talent Swift. I sit there outside crying till it's nearly morning. I sneeze. Great now you have a cold. I don't care. I can't forget the look Karlie gave me before she screamed at me to get out of her car. The look hurts so bad and somehow it manages to eat me from the inside. Karlie Kloss was everything I ever wanted and now she's gone. I've read so many books about heartbreaks, I watched so many movies about heartbreaks and I've listened to so many songs about heartbreaks. Nothing prepares you for one. Nobody can ever put in words what a heartbreak feels like. What it's like to have a person blow up the ground you're standing on, the ground which seems so solid and trustable, which is in the end just fake. It's like paper even though it looks like rocks. Everything that ever made sense in your life stops making sense. Everything that ever made you happy stops making you happy. Every food you eat tastes boring, everything you do is boring, the only thing you can think of is this one person. I look through the pictures of my phone and yeah they are mostly of Karlie. I remember the small conversations we had, the trips we've been on, the lunch dates, that were obviously no actual dates, I remember the times I made her laugh, I remember how I swore to myself that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Make Karlie Kloss laugh. I remember it all and yes it's bittersweet. All that's in my head are pictures and memories, words that she said to me and even though tears are running down my face, I smile. I wish I could just sleep and wake up with amnesia to forget about these stupid little things.

I'm home again. Finally. I grab my guitar and it feels so good to have it in my arms. Playing guitar has always helped me with my feelings and right now I'm on an emotional rollercoaster which was only heading down so I needed the guitar more than ever. Without thinking my hands start to play 'You belong with me'. I sing it with so much emotion that actual tears are running down my face because I can feel the lyrics, I can feel the words in my bones. Then I start singing a new verse.

Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night

The pictures of last night run through my head.

I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry

I remember the time when she was crying in her garden and I came over to comfort her. Or this time, when we were in her car and she had tears in her eyes because all this drama with Toni brought her down but I cracked a joke so she started laughing and it was like a explosion of positive energy and sunshine. I love this memory.

And I know your favorite songs and you tell me 'bout your dreams

I'll never be able to listen to 'Someone like you' again without thinking about Karlie staring at me while I sing it for her. The smile she had on her face because it genuinely made her happy. That time when she trusted me so much that she told me that she wanted to study coding instead of modeling, something that nobody but me knows.

Think I know where you belong, think I know it's with me

Karlie Elizabeth Kloss. You are the love of my life and nothing on earth can change that.