You belong with me

Chapter 11

Karlie's POV

I hear the doorbell ringing but I'm definitly not going to open it. I skipped school today because I can't concentrate on anything. I don't know since when I'm sitting in my room, crying my eyes out. It just hurts so endlessly. Suddenly someone knocks at my room door. That's strange 'cause nobody but me should be at home. I assume it's one of my sisters so I answer with a pissed "Leave me alone!", but it knocks again. "What is it?", I scream annoyed. The door opens slowly and I see the girl I wanted to see the least and at the same time the most. She looks at me with shock in her face because I probably look like shit with my red eyes and stuff. I have no idea how to react, what to do, what to say, so I say the first thing that comes to my mind: "Toni?" She comes closer and after short hesitation she sits down next to me on the bed. I wait for her to start speaking but it seems like she has also no idea what to say. Finally she speaks: "Please stop crying Karlie. You know I can't look at you when you're crying. It kills me from the inside, please!" All this time I never felt anger about what she has done, I was sad, desperate, broken and what not, but I was never angry. This comment made me angry. "I should stop crying?? It hurts you when I'm crying?? Yeah well you know what hurts me? When my fucking girlfriend CHEATS on me!! That hurts! That's by the way the reason why I'm crying so yeah I am so sorry for hurting your stupid feelings! I just-" "OKAY! I get it! I fucked up I know! I made for sure the biggest mistake of my life but at least give me the chance to explain! I hate myself for what I did okay but you don't even know what happened!" "Yeah right, another awesome fact! The whole school knew it before me! It's not like it's worse enough that you cheated on me, nooo! On top of that you don't even have the balls to tell me. My best friend had to tell me. Do you know what that feels like? No of course not because I didn't cheat on you! You are such an asshole Toni!" "Karlie you can call me so many names as you want okay, I deserve it all but please give me this one chance to explain and after that you can say whatever you want about me. After you left the party I started drinking, like really heavy drinking. I don't even remember much after 11 pm. I was frustrated because our relationship was so complicated. We weren't fighting and I knew I loved you and I still do Karlie, I love you endlessly and I probably will love you forever, but I know you felt it too. Our relationship was kind of dead and I had absolutly no idea how to change this. I swear to god I wanted to fix it so bad but I just didn't know how. So I decided to get drunk as fuck and party like there's no tomorrow to forget about it. And then there was this girl on the dance floor and she smiled at me and came over and started flirting with me and it felt good. I know this makes me seem like the biggest asshole alive but after the shit I made I think the least I can do is be honest with you. And this girl flirting with me felt nice. She was hot, she knew how to dance, I was drunk and she definitely knew all the right things to say. But after a while I got sad, like really sad and I started crying on the dance floor and this girl told me to come with her and we went in a room, where it was more quiet and then she said that I should talk about my feelings and I don't know somehow I trusted her and I told her everything. She listened to me and it felt so good finally to talk about it. I didn't even know how much our struggeling relationship brought me down. How sad and confused I was. She comforted me, she let me cry on her shoulders for at least half an hour and she told me that it's okay to struggle with a relationship and that it's not easy and stuff but that we have to accept that sometimes a relationship isn't meant to be. And that we should probably take a break or something because I'm clearly not happy anymore and I don't know what it was, probably the fact that I felt for the first time in weeks understood but when I looked into her eyes and I saw her lips coming closer, I didn't stop her. I am not saying that it's not my fault, it definitely is, but I want to make one thing clear: I never kissed her because I wanted to hurt you. I love you and I want you to be happy Karlie really! When I kissed her, I never thought once about you. I thought about not having this constant negative feeling no matter what I do, I thought about that this girl makes me feel good so how can it be something bad? I probably knew that it's wrong but it just felt so right. I never had feelings for her. Do I regret it? Yes. Not necessarly because I fucked our relationship up with this, but because I hurt you very much and that's the last thing on earth I want. I should have told you how I felt about us, that I was not happy anymore and we would have made a decision. We would have probably broken up and after that I could have done whatever I wanted but I cheated on you. And I'll never be able to show you how sorry I am about that, you'll never believe me and I understand that. But I wanted to at least tell you that I am truely sorry about it and I'd do everything to go back in time and change it because Karlie you are the most perfect human on earth, you're hot, you're smart, you're funny and caring and you deserve someone who makes you happy 24/7. That's why I'll definitely not beg for another chance or something like that simply because you deserve someone better than me. I love you Karlie and if you'd be able to forgive me one day - it would mean the world to me." Tears are streaming down my face. Why can't I just hate her? Toni just confirmed that she cheated on me but at the same time she said probably the sweetest things someone could say in this position. "I am hurt Toni." I turn to look at her and I see tears on her face. "I can't forgive you. Not now I... I just can't." She nods. "But I can tell you that I'll try. I still love you Toni... And I hate myself for it because it would be so much easier if I would just hate you but I'll never be able to hate you. You're my first real love and I'm going to love you till the end. I hate the fact that you fucked her just thinking about it makes me wanna punch a wall and scream and do all kinds of horrible things to hurt you the way you hurt me but I can't. I am not even really angry at you for fucking her - at least not the I'm-going-to-kill-you-angry. I just... I'm sad-angry." Toni looks at me, she's crying too and when our eyes meet I can see that she's sorry. "Karlie, I never slept with her... we kissed and it wasn't even a real make-out, we just kissed and then I fell asleep in her arms. That was it." It's true Toni has still cheated on me but somehow it makes me feel way better now that I know she hasn't slept with her. "One last question Toni: Who was it? I know it's probably a stupid question and I shouldn't ask it because it'll just hurt but I want to know who it was." "Karlie... I don't want to tell you. Simply because I don't want you to be mad at her because all this is not her fault. I was in a relationship and I cheated not she. It was 100% my fault." "Toni you know me - I won't punch her in the face. I just want to know who it is. Please!" The blonde girl sighs. "Jourdan. Jourdan Dunn." Fuck. I was right. I shouldn't have asked this question. "You okay?", Toni asks worried. I nod. "Yeah, it's just well - I... at least she's hot", I joke. Toni cracks a smile and it looks really weird because we're both sitting on my bed with ruined make-up and tears and a small smile on our faces. "Not as hot as you. Karlie one last time: I'm sorry. You are the most beautiful girl I know from the inside and the outside and I hope you'll find one day a person who treats you right. I just hope you'll be able to smile even though I won't be the reason for it anymore." I bite my lip. She stands up. "By the way: here's your key." Now I know how she came inside. "Thanks." She heads to the door so I follow her. She's already a few steps outside when she turns around. "Karlie?" "Yeah?" She hesitates. "Can I hug you one last time?" I hold my breath. 'One last time.' That sounds horrible. Probably a theme for a song. "Yeah I guess." She comes back and we both look into each others eyes and it's weird. Then she puts her long, slender arms around me and holds me so tight that a short sob escapes my mouth. I can feel her tears on my back and I can feel her lips on my neck. One last time. I breath her in, one last time. I can't imagine never smelling that sweet scent again, that scent I thought I'd smell forever. I cry, one last time in her arms. "I love you Karlie." One last time. Toni breaks the hug, turns around and leaves. I close the door and look outside. I see her walking away and I see that she's crying. She get's in her car and breaks down. I turn around and lean with the back against the door, slowly sliding down till I'm crying on the ground. I miss her. Even though she cheated on me, even though I wasn't even really in love with her anymore, I miss her.