Marching Band Quotes

#142

Who You Should Fight: Marching Band Edition

Piccolo

Who Wins: Them

Don't do it. Don't fight the piccolo player. Just don't.

Flute

Who Wins: Them

They were told you were challenging them for first chair. Run while you still can.

Clarinet

Who Wins: Them

You are promptly deemed a "nerd" and stuffed in a band locker by the entire section, even though you only wanted to fight one of them.

Low Reeds

Who Wins: No One

You yell increasingly bad sexual innuendos at each other across the band room for twenty minutes until both get tired and go home.

Mellophone

Who Wins: Them

Punches you in the face repeatedly on the offbeats of a Sousa march playing in the background.

Trumpet

Who Wins: You And Then Them

You win the fight easily while they're giving their villainous monologue. Entire trumpet section later jumps you in a dark hallway for disgracing one of their own.

Trombone

Who Wins: No One

They get distracted halfway through the fight and wander off.

Low Brass

Who Wins: Them

You mock them by making farting noises with your lips. They punch you in the stomach with their abnormally strong arms. You can't breathe properly for days.

Pit Percussion

Who Wins: You

Pretending you can't tell the vibes, marimba, and xylophone apart. Wait until they're blind with rage. Then run them over with the closest wheeled pit equipment.

Drumline

Who Wins: Them

Shows up to the fights with a shank fashioned out of a broken drum stick. Proceed to kick ass.

Drum Major

Who Wins: Them

Calls you to attention (you can't disobey!) And then waits until you faint from exhaustion.

Color Guard

Who Wins: Them

Have you ever watched one of these fuckers on the field? You're screwed.

Band Director

Who Wins: Them

Just when you think you've one, they get up smiling and say "One more time!".