Camera {Malum}

Video 24/24

February 20th

I hadn't been able to sleep.

All night long, I had been lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling.

For some reason, I hadn't cried yet.

I suppose it was the shock.

Michael. The sweet, happy kid from the videos. The boy I had fallen for.

He was no longer alive.

My chest felt heavy, with every breath I took the feeling staying. My thoughts were clouded or not even there. My body unmoving.

Until suddenly, all of it came crashing down and the tears started spilling from my eyes, sobs wrecking through my body.

Life was so unfair. Why did it have to be Michael? Why him? Why?

I tried to breathe, hoping that I was just crying and not having a panic attack. I was hurting enough already.

Luckily, I could still breathe, though my breaths were shaky and uneven. Me crying like this was the worst thing I had ever experienced.

My hands were gripping my sheets tightly, as I was now curled up and crying into my pillow.

I hated life.

It was cruel. Unfair.

Or as this one song goes: The good die young.

I tried to blink away some of the tears, sniffing and sobbing, my clouded vision revealing my camera.

It hurt to see my camera, because that's what this all started with. All because I lost my camera.

But it also reminded me of something.

Sarah had told me Michael had left a letter. He had left a letter for me and she had been told, by him, that he had put it in the box.

I scrambled to get out of bed, landing on my hands and knees. I bent down, looking underneath my bed in hopes that I left the box there. Because knowing myself, I would've left it somewhere in my room.

And luckily, I saw the box, grabbing it and pulling it from underneath the bed. I blew the dust from it and put it on my bed, opening it.

I was met with an empty box.

Or so I thought, because as I looked a little better, I saw the corner of the bottom was a bit odd and so I revealed an envelope beneath a layer of thin cardboard.

I pushed the box away, opening the envelope and unfolding the piece of paper.

Dear Calum,

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I couldn't give this to you myself, but I knew I wouldn't live long anymore anyway.
I'm sorry I didn't try harder to get to you, because it would have been awesome for us to have met. But then again, if we would have met, it would hurt more when I would leave.
I'm sorry if you now realise that your quest will lead to nothing or that you have found out any other way that I'm not here anymore.
I'm sorry if you hate me for making all those videos, but as I said in one of the videos, I don't care that much. I loved making those videos and all I can do is hope that you loved them as well, or maybe at least liked them. Or will like or love them, depends on whether you have watched them already.
But there's one thing I don't regret and I don't want to say sorry for. And that's for finding your camera.
Because without your camera, I wouldn't have spend my last months  so happy. I honestly enjoyed making the videos and I loved watching your video.
Also, I'm not sorry for falling for you. Despite not knowing you, you got my heart. And home is where the heart is, as I like to say.
Calum Hood, thank you for making my last days the best.

Love,
Michael

P.s. If you wonder how I got your last name, blame Sarah.

~Life is life, and life goes on.~

January 20th

"Today, is, well, I'm not sure. It's not a special day, really. Not that I know," Michael coughed for a moment, before turning the camera to his desk, where a piece of paper was lying, writing decorating it.

"I'm writing you a letter. Or more like I've already written it and I just need an envelope, really." He sighed softly, dragging himself and his still casted leg to his bed. "I ended it with a quote, you know? I love quotes. Especially meaningful ones."

Michael turned the camera back around to film himself, telling, "I have everything figured out. Even how to get the camera back to you," he smiled weakly, sniffing once.

"Anyways, Luke is coming over later. To spend some more time together, you know?" He was still smiling, feeling quite happy for his situation.

"By the way," Michael cleared his throat, still smiling as he spoke, "I found a quote and, well, I dunno, I found it fitting to our situation. In a way. It kinda, well, it only fits if you at least think I'm nice, I guess."

Michael was a bit embarrassed because of his rambling, but it was just that his mind was so messed up today. He wasn't feeling all to great and he just wanted to lie in bed and cuddle.

Preferably with Calum, but he knew that wouldn't work, so Luke was fine too. Luke had always been great to cuddle with anyway.

"Anyhow, the quote," Michael licked his lips, taking a breath before quoting, "Always together, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never by heart."

Michael smiled again, chuckling lightly, "secretly I found that quote a long time ago already, because I've just always liked that quote. And I've said it to Luke quite some times already."

He took a deep breath, swallowing what he had wanted to say next. He wanted to keep it happy, so instead of saying something, Michael simply smiled again.

"I don't think I've ever said this before, by the way, but I hope you're doing well. You seem like a real nice guy and, well, I'm sure you deserve to be feeling the best." Michael's smile didn't once falter, not even when his leg started hurting again, or when he felt a little less okay than before.

"Anyhow, I hope we might see each other at least once, you know. So I can at least cross one more thing off my bucket-list..." Michael nodded to himself.

"So yeah," the smile on Michael's face seemed almost permanent, despite it not being his happiest smile.

"I thought of things to tell you, you know? Like, in real and not through the camera. And maybe that will be soon," Michael took a breath and then told the camera with shimmering eyes, "'Cause I'm not leaving..."