Letters To You

Memories Kill

10/14/15
      And suddenly I was that 14 year old girl again , drowning in insecurities and sorrow.

     I had so much more to give, our adventure in my eyes was not over. One day I'm planning on what to get you for Christmas because that would have been our anniversary and one month shy of a year and a half, and then the next I'm having to learn to breathe all over again.

I literally feel like there is an anchor weighing my heart down and it's fighting so hard to not go under once again. My chest burns hot every time I breathe, clawing for air.

But if I take a deep breathe, all I do is inhale water. While I choke and drown some more.

Because this pain, it hits me at random times, a commercial will come on that we use to make fun of, my head would lay in your lap as you softly played with my hair, still damp from the shower I took earlier. Or a song that we danced to at prom while we looked in each other's eyes and mouthed the words for only us to hear will play , and it takes me back to that moment.

    I'll look at the photo-booth pictures we took at knotts, and see how happy we were. How half of them didn't come out right because we were laughing too hard. Or how that weird couple with the beaver tail hats watched our pictures from the screen of the photo booth that we had no idea was there and how they got all mad that you kissed me in the picture. But we just laughed it off, because honestly who puts a screen where random people walking by can see what kind of pictures were taking?

Or how the stars remind me of all our nightly walks and fun nights, all the promises of loving me forever and how nothing could come between us. Through thick and thin, right?

Or the planes that fly over our heads and I teased you when we first got together because you loved them so much and I had no idea why, neither did you. But I would still get in depth with them with you. As I found myself spotting them out just to see that smile that warms me up. The smile that still warms me up.

I'd come across quotes , the good ones of keeping someone by your side that fights for you and to never let them go. And that would be exactly how I felt with you, it's exactly who I thought you were. But instead the happy ones don't mean anything anymore, only the sad ones do. And I can relate to them so much that I can't scroll past them, no matter how hard I try to pull away.

I miss who you were, I miss us, and still I wish I could work this out with you. But I know deep down I can't, I know this isn't an easy thing to brush off and move on from like all our other fights .

And even though this is going to hurt me like hell to move on, I just ask one thing, I wish to see that smile. Smile at me before you go , because that is how I want to remember you...