A Gay Romance

Missing His Touch

I know it's hard when you think Calum Hood is more than just friends with you, but knowing at any given second he could find someone better than you.. I hate him not texting me back but I know that it's possible he got a new number. I mean he is Calum Hood, so I just ugh! I just want to get out from this crappy bubble that I'm stuck inside of. I just want to be on his arm like we were for that one whole day! Ever since Calum came out the fandom has grown, and so many new weird pictures of Calum, some of them even have my face copied and pasted onto bigger bodies. It was so weird thinking that this could maybe be the last I see of Calum?.. Tears steaming down my face at the thought of me just being some fan in the crowd as he picked me out of the crowd to come on the stage and look like a fool. If I didn't have insecurities, then maybe this wouldn't be as hard maybe he would talk to me?.. I wish I knew what I could do to get through to him. I grab my phone and hit up twitter scrolling through my feed makes me happy it's full of weird shit along with pictures of Cal. I wish it didn't give me goosebumps when I just think of his nickname, I feel his steady hand on my shoulder, his breath on my neck.. Mmm well I just ahem maybe if I shoot a tweet out then that'll help me get to him I really don't know..

*Tweet*

" Hey 5Sos peeps help me get back to Cal? I really need to get to him! Thanks!"

To my surprise everyone wanted to send me a private message instead of replying on the tweet.. I opened on with a picture attached of Calum and Ashton looking like they're making it out, I don't think it's real. BUT I have no idea what is anymore. I delete my tweet then I decide to delete my account, if Calum wants me he can find me other ways. I stand up off my bed and throw my phone at the floor. I don't ever want to hear from him again! I'm heart broken my head is hurting and I don't know what more to do. My life song is and might as well be Habits by Tove Lo.. The thought of Calum and Ashton touching feeling breathing in one another's breath. I shiver at the thought. That could've been me I could be the one running my hands threw his hair. I just, I need a bath.

The steam coming up from the tub is so surreal it was such an escape. Honestly I just want to get out from where I am, but now that I don't have Calum.. or do I? I don't know gosh he just he makes me so mad! I just him his breath his lips on mine.. His touch, Gosh why!? Why can't I just move along. He's all the things I love but all the things I fucking hate! I cry at the thought that I had him but in reality he hand me I was like putty in his hands and he just threw me out the window is how I feel. I don't want to ever hear about 5 seconds of summer again! I already know that it's impossible no matter how badly he hurt me I'm still going to love him... But I just wish he knew that I am suffering maybe he does, and he likes it? I don't know I'm so unsure of this again. I just can't understand how he has just left a fan of his band laying naked on the floor I just I want to know how he feels about me... Instead of leaving me sad and depressed in the bath tub. I'm glad it's the weekend I don't think I could do school anymore. 5sos is what made me happy.. Calum is what made me happy, and strong.. I drain the tub dry off and go lay in my bed my empty room from the night before where I took every and anything off of my walls now I have four blank walls coming down on me.. I don't cry I'm out of tears but my heart is bleeding out I feel dead and somehow it feels better than being alive..