Impossibly Certain [dan howell]

e l e v e n

My crusted eyes opened to the light, and I squinted so I could see. You would think I would wake in Dan's bed, tangled in limbs and sheets. You would think I would wake to his beautiful face. No. I was in the bathtub.

I sat up, my body and head aching in pain. Pulling myself up, I clambered out of the bath tub and looked at my image in the mirror. Make-up had smudged across my face and my hair was tangled in itself. My dress was hiked up passed my hips, and I awkwardly pulled it down while slowly opening the bathroom door.

I immediately scurried to my room, where I changed into some sweatpants and I brushed out my hair. Peeking into Kayla's room, I saw an empty bed, yet I was not worried—it usually is. I shot her a quick text to check in, and finally found myself in front of my couch where Dan and Phil had passed out. I smiled at their hung-over states. My eyes lingered over Dan, wondering what last night will mean moving forward.

I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he had liked me this whole time as I have him. A smile spread across my face, though, I was exceptionally happy.

I sighed, moving into the kitchen and turning on the coffee maker. I was scrolling through twitter when I heard the boys talking in the other room.

"Do you remember anything from last night?" Phil asked, his voice worried. My body carried itself to the kitchen door, leaning forward to hear.

"No," Dan said, his voice horse and tired. My stomach fell. He doesn't remember.

"Really Dan?" Phil said back.

"What?"

Don't you dare, Phil. "Dan, you and Fee kissed," he said, his voice low. I felt as though I was going to vomit. They were silent for a while before Phil spoke up again.

"Why did you do that?" Phil said, and tears sprang to my eyes. Dan still didn't respond, and I felt as if someone had ripped me apart.

"Dan, she...she likes you," he said, and that was it. Phil kept talking, but I was numb. He fucking told him. I put my hand to my forehead, my head ache screaming as I tried to keep from crying.

"Dan are you going to say something?" I heard Phil say, and I just wanted to crawl into my bed and stay there forever.

"Where is she?" I heard Dan's voice, and my body carried me through the door of my kitchen. I stood looking at the two with tears in my eyes.

Phil's head turned to see me, and immediately I saw the sympathy in his eyes. I couldn't even look at Dan. I couldn't even move.

"Fee," Phil said, getting up and coming over to me.

"I told you not to tell him," I whispered and I tried to choke back my tears. I didn't want to cry but I was, and I felt my heart screaming. I have never felt so embarrassed in my life.

"Fee, I'm so sorry," He said, and his hand came to my arm in comfort but I turned away.

"Please go home," I said, and wiped the tears from my eyes. He tried to fight me, but I needed them gone. I needed Dan gone. I couldn't even look at him.

Finally, I felt Phil's body move away from me, and I heard the door open. I kept my head down, not wanting to see him leave. I shook my head—I can't believe I let this happen to myself.

I flinched when I first heard him. "Ophelia."

When I looked up his eyes met mine. He was hurt and I saw that, but couldn't he see how much this was killing me? He stood with his mouth open, and after a long silence of him saying nothing, I shook my head.

"Leave me alone."

With that I left him, speechless, at the door and away from me. The the more steps I look the further I felt from him. Once my body hit my bed, I fell into a wave of tears, my mind swimming in hurt, betrayal, and embarrassment.

Somehow, this boy had come into my life and turned it inside out, and I don't know if I'll ever be the same.

<3