Vesper's Art Attempt 1

It's Out!

The prologue of Outcast is published. It would be amazing if you showed me some support with this book, because I'm most likely going to be working on it a bit. The prologue is okay, but... Eh. I could have done better I suppose. Here's a bit of it, because I can.

"I'm... S-sorry..." Her normally mellifluous voice had the sharp edge of a rasp, rattled with shallow breathing. "Please... My kit... T-take care of..." She trailed off, the little she could say cut off by a sharp gasp as she took in her last breath. Stormfrost stared, unsure what to do or say, an explosion of emotions blossoming inside his chest. No matter what deep feelings he had for Specklethrush and his devotion to his clan, there was always a tiny longing for his first love. And now... She was gone... Her life ebbing away right before his very eyes... It was like reliving Echopaw's death all over again, and he felt a terrible fear that had nothing to do with the fact that a dog could potentially be loose in the forest. He felt Specklethrush tense beside him. A deathly silence hung over the whole camp.

A soft mewling of a kit interjected into his thoughts, and dimly he looked up, feeling numb with sudden greif. No matter what any cat said, Iceshade was an incredible ThunderClan warrior, and even those who hated her for leaving were bowing their heads at such a young life lost so tragically. Thornstar's wise eyes were clouded with greif, for Iceshade had been his kit, and he loved her no matter what. Would StarClan even accept a kittypet? Stormfrost didn't know. Suddenly, he noticed that Jaypaw was also holding something, much smaller and lighter. The greyish blue furred apprentice was setting a small bundle of silver tabby fur down very gently.

"We found her with her mother." Jaypaw meowed in a hushed tone, as if scared to speak loudly. The small she-kit was young, perhaps only around two moons, and looked afraid being suddenly surrounded by strange cats. Perhaps she was too young to understand, but she didn't seem to know that her mother was dead. Maybe she thought Iceshade was simply sleeping, and would wake up again with a smile and plenty of milk. Stormfrost's heart ached. Poor kit...

What do you guys think? You can be as critical as you want, I just want to improve my writing. More detail? Or less? Is the pacing okay? Anyway, once again, please check it out, it would mean the world to me!
-iVesper