Feels Like Falling

part 4

Summer had officially started and I had expected to see more of Harry but he seemed to be distancing himself from me. I brushed it off assuming I was being paranoid. I was excited to get a call from him asking to take me on a date to West Kirby Beach, about a half hour from Holmes Chapel.  I quickly packed a few things in a beach bag, threw on my favorite yellow bathing suit and tied my hair up in a cute topknot. The Beach was pretty packed being the first really warm day in June. I spread our towels in the sand and we sat together on our stomachs; our heads propped up on our hands.  Harry seemed much quieter than normal. I pushed his hand out from under his chin and his head dropped quickly as I laughed at him.

            “What’s wrong with you Harry?” I begged

            “I have to tell you something…” He began

            This was it; I had felt it coming for days now. Harry was going to tell me it was to complicated dating someone he had to hide with. He was going to tell me he wanted someone he could show off to his friends, introduce to his parents or take to a school dance. I was none of those things. Harry looked at me puzzled and continued.

            “I tried out for a singing competition. And I made it.” He blurted out

            “That’s amazing Harry!! Why didn’t you tell me sooner!?”

            “I wanted to, umm make sure it was actually going to eerm happen before I made this decision.” Harry answered

            Harry explained that the next part of auditions required him to leave home and be gone for the next two months and if things went well be gone through the end of December. I had no idea what to think. I thought for sure he would ask me to come with him, but he didn’t. Instead he looked at me with the saddest puppy dog eyes I had ever seen him use and he said that he would be traveling with his parents the following day. It felt like time had stopped. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I was devastated. Harry shook my shoulder and I came back to our conversation.

            “So that’s it? You are just leaving? Are we done for good?” I shot question after question not allowing him time to answer. I don’t think I really wanted the answers.

            “I love you Lo. But I need to do this. I think I have a shot to make something of myself.”

            He was right. He deserved better than this. He deserved a full life with friends and passion he could share with the world. I knew I couldn’t hold him back, even though every inch of my body was screaming at me to make him stay with me forever. I had the opportunity to do what was right for him and I took it. For the first time in my life I felt 22 years old. I was giving Harry up not because I didn’t love him, but because I cared about his feelings more than my own.

            We said our last goodbye at the door of my flat. Harry wanted to come in, but I told him I couldn’t handle making love to him knowing it would be the last time. And with that he pressed his lips to mine in a kiss so deep that it seemed to reach my toes. I started to cry and he pulled away, still holding me by my waist. 

            “Don’t cry sweet Lo.” Harry pleaded, “It doesn’t have to be forever.”

            “No, don’t do that. Don’t make promises. You don’t know where you’ll be in 6 months and I want to keep what we have special. I will cherish us always. But its time for you to go.”

            Harry looked like he wanted to say more, but didn’t. He wrapped me in his arms and held me tightly. The only sound was that of passing cars, crickets and my light sobs. He nuzzled my nose with his and before I knew it he had left. I stood there alone. I turned the key and dropped my bag to the floor, stripped off my suit and ran myself a bath. I sat there in the bath crying for hours, until the water had turned cold and I couldn’t stand it any longer. That night was the first if weeks that I had gone to sleep alone and my bed felt so empty without Harry in it. I knew I was doing the right thing, but the idea of never kissing him again made me want to die.