Feels Like Falling

part 18

I woke up alone in Louis’ bunk that afternoon. There was a note on the pillow next to me that read:

                    Meet us for lunch when you get up.

     We’re at the pub in the hotel.

     L & H xx

I found a hoodie of Louis’ in his bunk to throw on, dug a pair of black leggings out of my duffle bag and walked down the small hallway to the bathroom to get cleaned up. I braided my hair loosely to the side and put on a little mascara. I didn’t bother brushing my teeth because it was already 2:30 and my stomach was growling; I hadn’t eaten since a late lunch yesterday and I didn’t want to wait for the taste of toothpaste to go away so I could eat. As I walked to the front of the bus it got brighter and brighter and I shaded my face with my arm, my groggy eyes not yet accustom to the blazing sun. Stepping off the bus the air was warm as it hit my face. It felt good after being on the over air conditioned bus. The hotel was modern and elegant and a bellman pointed me across the lobby to meet Harry and Louis. I stopped at the doorway to find them before walking in. They were sitting at a large corner booth, just the two of them, sipping what looked like bloody marys. They both looked stunning, simply dressed in t-shirts and beanies. Harry noticed me first and he smiled.  He nudged Louis and whispered something to him. I slid onto the bench next to Harry and gave him a peck on the cheek. I was feeling really guilty about spilling my guts to Louis last night and for kissing him to. And my mother always said the longer you wait to tell the truth the bigger the lie.

“I kissed Louis last night.” I blurted out looking straight into my water glass.

“I know.” Harry answered casually

“You told him!?” I glared at Louis.

“Before you get upset, he only told me because he was so thrilled.” Harry interjected before I could say anything I might regret.  I sat up straight and looked at them both, they were grinning at me and I was so lost. Always the one to cut to the chase Louis answered the question that was plastered across my face.

“Harry and I have been talking for awhile now about our feelings for each other. To make a long story short we never stopped loving each other.” Louis looked at Harry adoringly and then back at me, with the same look on his face.  “Harry truly wanted you to be happy and thought being monogamous was what you needed.”  He went on to explain that though nothing had happened between them since the time we had all been together, they had talked about it.

“Harry made it overwhelmingly clear that he would not jeopardize his relationship with you to pursue something with me.” Louis words were so exact and to the point I could tell that he had thought about this a lot, maybe as much as I had.

“I saw how you and Louis were getting on, and I let a part of me hope you might fall for each other a bit.” Harry looked at me sheepishly, his eyes a little sad and continued, “I can’t change who I am, even though I want to sometimes.” The look on his face was breaking my heart and I was about to speak but Harry had more to say. “I wanted to be the kind of man you could be proud of and I didn’t want you to compromise your morals to accommodate me.” He stopped, met my eyes with his and stared for a few long seconds. “I love him Lo. I was lying to myself and to you when I said I didn’t. I didn’t lie on purpose. I really did want it to be the truth. You deserve to be enough for someone, just you on your own. But I need him in my life as more than a friend, I need Him the same way I need you.”

Louis stayed silent and I gathered it was my turn to say something now. I hoped I could express my feelings as sweetly as Harry had, but I knew I might fumble and mess it up. I took a deep breath in and took Harry’s hand in mine. “Knowing that for even a minute I forced you to be someone you aren’t kills me. The feelings I have for you have never changed. I have loved you this madly and deeply since the first time we kissed two years ago.” I kissed the palm of his hand and turned my gaze to Louis. “And you… I never thought I would feel so intensely for anyone other than him.” I said pointing at Harry. “My god Louis, you have pulled me in with your charm, your wit and mostly your kindness. These last few months, every kiss we’ve shared I’ve wanted to be real. I’ve wanted it to last longer and go further. I thought I was just getting attached to the façade we’d created.” Louis reached over the table and put his hand on Harry’s and mine and squeezed. “What does that make us? How are we going to make this work?” I asked without really expecting any answer.