"Kate?" I hear softly
"Hmm?"
I get pulled out of the innermost parts of my brain. Bringing me back into reality, and out of my deepest thoughts. My brain had been racking through all the questions that could possibly be asked. Hows, what's, whys. Anything that can not be answered straight. I was in a trance, fixed on trying to solve all of these puzzles the world wants to throw at us. I had shut out the world around me going deeper into my brain, to a place that no one wants to go often. To the place where you question everything and never get those answers. Forever waiting in distress, wanting impatiently for the day you will know all your body can hold. That place where your darkest thoughts, feelings, and questions reside. Never seeing the light until you stumble into the bullpen that is that black hole. When you come out of the abyss you feel different. You overthink everything and never get a chance to stop and take in the good of it. You want the answers and it leaves you feeling empty when you don't get them.
"You okay?" Jack asks on the other side of the couch.
We had been laying here for hours. Sitting and talking, nothing really big happening today. When I got sucked into my thoughts. Without a single warning I had gotten taken into the black hole of my brain. All the questions and thoughts that had been hiding there for as long as who knows. Needing to be answered they picked at the rest of me. Begging to be answered, but not receiving anything.
"Yeah...just out of it." I reply forcing myself to come out of this state as much as I can.
"What were you thinking about?" He asks moving his position on the couch.
"Too much to explain." I say in my dazed state
"Try me." He replies looking at me intently
"It's hard to explain." He stares at me waiting, "It's the thoughts when you get sucked in and just lose yourself. All these...questions you want to answer but you just can't. There is nothing in your power to get the answers you crave. You want to know more and more until your brain starts to control you with what you don't have. The things that make you want to sit in a dark room and think for hours on end. Waiting for the time when you can finally understand it all. But you don't get to. It gets ripped from your hands in a second, never getting those answers."
I look up at Jack to see him staring at me. He is watching my every movement, every facial feature that is going on. My face though, is blank with nothing more than a vacant stare. Wanting the answers he cannot give me. I know he can't but my being is telling me that I need them. I need to explore those parts of my brain that are trying so hard to reach out to me. He blinks not certain of what to say about what I had told him.
"You are so calm about all of it." He says quietly
"That's the only way I can feel." I say my face finally showing some emotion.
"I...can't say I've ever felt this way." His face is scrunched up as you can tell he is racking his brain.
"I don't know how to think about it." I say confused but still in my daze
Jack stands up from the couch and grabs his laptop from the kitchen. Coming back he taps my butt asking me to move forward. I slide up on the couch and he sits behind me moving me in between his legs. He sets the laptop on my lap and wraps his arms around me as he types. He types in multiple things, clicking on different things before stopping on a page. He stays on it and waits not moving. The only thing he is doing is breathing, his chest moving up and down. I can feel his chest on my back and I can feel his heartbeat. He continues how he is for a while not moving just looking at the screen. Finally his arms wrap around mine.
"You know how Dan has existential crisis?" He asks
"Is that what this is?" I mumble looking at the screen.
"Yeah, it's really normal. It just makes you think about weird stuff that you usually wouldn't think about. I sigh.
"Okay." I say calmly finally pulling myself from the dark thoughts my brain is consumed with.
"You okay?" He repeats his concern from before.
"Yeah." I look at him and smile. "As long as I'm with you, I'm always okay"
