the flowers; h.s.

day forty-seven

I never knew how weak I was, how dependent I was on him, how broken I became the minute that he left. It was only hours later when I refused to believe that he was actually gone, when I reached the Denial stage in my grief for a person who I knew in my heart was going to return to me. Why am I so weak? Why am I so dependent on him? 

I wasn't always like this. I used to live on my own and be independent and strong. Or, at least, that's what I thought. I have never fallen in love like this, like it's this thing that I can't ever live without, that consumes my every thought and word so much so that I can't go on knowing that it's not there. 

I was utterly heartbroken when I walked into that empty room and saw those flowers. I should have been angry, like I am now. I should have grabbed those flowers and threw them on the floor, letting that be the only thing that was shattered. My heart would not be broken because I should have never fallen into a deep depression over some guy who didn't even have the courtesy to say goodbye to me in person. I shouldn't have been broken all because of some guy who up and left one day because he knew that I wasn't enough but didn't want to tell me that. So he left me flowers that would soon wilt and took all of his stuff and went out the front door, not looking back once.  

The sad thing was, he wasn't just some guy. He was Harry. He was the only person who I truly loved, the only person who I could sit with for hours in silence, not saying anything just being near each other. He was the only person who could break me. And it shouldn't be like that.

I love him, still. No matter what he does I will always love him. And I can forgive him for leaving. But can I forgive myself for my vulnerability and my weakness?  Can I forgive myself for breaking all because of the short, unexpected absence of the one that I loved? Can I forgive myself for not being strong enough to be angry?

Forgiveness is easy when it's given to someone who you trust and love. But how am I supposed to forgive someone who is so easily dependent on those around her that she won't even realize that she's weak until after the fact?