the flowers; h.s.

day one hundred and twenty

I can't exactly put into words the way that I am currently feeling, but I will try.

It is 2AM, and I sit in my room with a book light being the only means of me being able to see. Harry just dropped me off, and I am dizzy with thoughts and feelings of him all over my body. I want him back, I know that for a fact. And he wants to be back, I know that too. That was so clear.

He looked good, had cut his hair and was wearing new, clean clothes that I had never seen before. He was renting an apartment here in town and was working with the local florist making deliveries and such. He looked healthy, looked well.

He didn't waste time in getting right to the point. He started apologizing over and over again, but I told him that there was no use. What's done is done, and we can't go back and change what happened because, frankly, I was glad that it played out the way that it did. He didn't seem too fond of this answer, still clearly felt terrible about the whole thing, but it didn't matter.

He took my hands in his and looked me in the eyes and told me that he loved me more than anything in the entire world. He said that he would live the rest of his life making sure that I would never go another day feeling pain that he had caused. It killed him to know that he hurt me in such a colossal way, and he vowed to never do it again.

I wanted to believe him and half of me did, to be honest. But there is still this other half, this part of me that wants to protect my feelings and doesn't want to go out on a limb and run the risk of being heartbroken yet again.

I told him that I would have to think about it, that I would have to think about us reuniting because, even though I loved him, I wasn't sure that I trusted him enough to go all in just to have everything ripped from me if he ever got another itch to leave.

I could see that I hurt him, and I didn't want that at all, but if there's anything that I learned from our time apart, it is to put my feelings before others sometimes. And this was one of those times.

So here I sit, still in my dress and heels, running over a thousand pros and cons in my head. There are tons of pros, so many that it's not even necessary to write them down. But there's only one con. And that's the possibility of him leaving me again, abruptly and without hesitation. The pain that he caused me was so great that I can't imagine myself willingly going into something that I already know the outcome of.

But I know that I love him more than anything in the entire world, and I can't see myself ever living a life without him in it. I know what I want to do, but I'm scared, terrified even. I just wish there was a way to see the future so that I didn't have to sit here and guess what I think might happen.

My thoughts are quite scattered, but there's only one way to figure this out. Either I take a chance on Harry or I live the rest of my life without him, wondering what could have happened if I had tried again with him.

There's really only one way to find out.