I miss us, Phil. | Phan

S E V E N

I finished my video and put it up, quickly opening my Instagram, tumblr, and Twitter to see the feedback. I had a personal fan account that had about 213 followers on Instagram. I never posted anything really but I followed a bunch of phan accounts just to see the feedback.

I opened Instagram first after logging in to my account and began refreshing, seeing as no one posted anything since I put out the video but within a span of 5 minutes, photos began flooding into my feed. The descriptions analyzing my words in every way and making me regret a few of them but making me smile in the rest.

I actually caught myself smiling when I saw a Kenzie hate video. It had soft music as it played little scenes from PINOF 1-7 then the music became harder as it played a few clips from Phil's vlogs featuring Kenzie. I quickly shut off my phone and brought my knees to my chest.

Hating someone for who they like is terrible.

But what if you hate yourself for who you like?

I stared straight at my wall for a bit, total conflict in my head and my stomach and heart hurting from the thought of Phil.

I hated Kenzie but it wasn't her fault. I hated myself. I hated everyone. I hated life.

I stood up quickly and walked down the empty hallway to the bathroom. A small razor sat next to the sink, I glared at it.

If I left, would Phil even miss me?