I miss us, Phil. | Phan

N I N E

I looked down at the razor, I had it placed on my arm on the edge, the side of it had already cut me but I hadn't pulled it across yet. I looked up at Phil, his eyes wide and broken, the blue orbs about to be blue oceans.

"I, uh-" I began but he grabbed my arm and gently pulled the hand with the razor in it away, taking it out of my hand and putting it in his pocket.

"We're you going to cut yourself?" He took my wrist and held it up into his face, spectating the small beef of blood that had formed on the small prick.

"Well, uh-"

"Why?" I stood there in shock. Why? Had he not noticed? He had been ignoring me basically, he cared but not enough. It made me want to drag him away from Kenzie, to make him see me, make him notice me again.

I looked at him and mentally began breaking down before physically. Hot tears began rolling down my and I broke into sobs. Phil stared at me for a moment, not seeming to know how to deal with me before taking a step forward and wrapping his long arms around my slender body. I put my head in the crook of his neck as he cradled me.

Blue tears left small raindrop type stains on his shoulder making it look like he had just walked through a stormy day in London.

He trailed his fingers down my back soothingly and I sniffles quietly, ashamed of myself for crying. Phil will never pull away until you do, he's always been like that. He'd hug fans at the meet up for 2 minutes if they never pulled away.

I'm slowly pulled away from him, he stepped back understanding my signal. I wiped my cheeks and eyes with the sleeves of my black shirt and stared at him for a moment.

"Let's go to Starbucks." Phil offered with a smile, I nodded and cracked my own and followed him out to the shop.

The winter was evident, freezing winds whipped at my face and blew my fringe all over my face but blew Phil's more to the side perfectly. My Japanese jacket did a nice job of keeping me warm but Phil shivered in his own.

"It's a bit cold out." Phil low key complained and I smiled. I moved to the other side of him, blocking the wind from hitting him directly.

"What drink are you going to get?" I asked, he shrugged.

"Something Christmassy, Kenzie got this one that looked really good last time we came, peppermint something." My smile faded slowly and I nodded.

"When are we filming the new day in the life of?"

"Uh, I don't know, what would be a good time?" He looked over at me, "maybe Kenzie could be in this one." He offered. I nodded, understanding Phil would want to show off his girlfriend to everyone but this time it would be different, I would be with them.

"I guess." I sighed quietly, hoping we could get back to the subject of Starbucks.

We ordered and got our drinks before walking over to a seat next to the fogged window like the one that we had sat by a few years before, a small sense of nostalgia. I sipped at the hot liquid and let it fill my dry mouth as I turned to look out the window, barely being able to make out people through the frosted glass.

I blew some hot air on the glass causing a small spot to form that I could see through. I turned back towards Phil to see him staring at me. His blue eyes quickly advert end their gaze when I made eye contact and he was suddenly nervous and flustered. He looked down at his lap and began checking his phone which was rare for Phil to do at a public place with me. Why was he suddenly avoiding me? He looked back up at me, fearful almost. How had such a happy Phil changed in a matter of seconds of staring at me?

I glanced down at my wrist, the place I had actually managed to puncture my skin had now dried and a scan began forming. Had what I tried to do just now sunk in on him? He bit his lip nervously and looked up.

"Did I technically cheat on Kenzie?" Technically? Yes, but telling him that might make him more flustered. I shook my head.

"No it was all me, Phil." I answered, he nodded.

"And... Am I the reason you tried to cut yourself?"