Pride, Wolf and Rebellion

Endure

She kicked up wisps of dirt as she struggled through black earth.

She climbed her way back through the Deep Roads and toward the surface. To say it was dark would be an understatement. Fen'Asha couldn't see her own feet, but she made careful paces through the caverns. She had lost her sense of time and space and simply continued her ascent away from the farthest reaches below Thedas.

But she was glad to be away, glad to be somewhere doing something. She was almost disappointed to leave the Deep Roads, even as her companions were more than pleased to leave the gloom.

"I should never have left you there."

The days following her return to Skyhold after the defeat of Corypheus had been exhausting. She spent a seeming eternity in her quarters before her advisers dragged her out into the open and made her bask in her heroic glow. Having forsaken the repairs to the hall leading toward the war room and the crumbling ramparts, the bridge had been mended. Guests from all over Thedas had gathered at Skyhold, wanting to see and possibly touch the Inquisitor.

Nobles stood alongside commoners, soaking in the glory of what had happened and celebrating the defeat of Corypheus. Merry faces familiar and strange greeted her and she sat on her throne, mind in different places and heart in a million pieces.

"The blame is mine, not yours. It was irresponsible and selfish of me."

Solas was gone, but his echoes remained. His paint supplies, clothing, pack, and his research lingered in the rotunda. He occupied the space as a shadow and his unfinished work spiraled the walls, with the beginnings of a Great Wolf set to pounce upon a slain dragon.

Leliana tried and failed to locate him, sending her agents far and wide. He had simply vanished, by most accounts. Was he alive? Was he dead? Nobody knew.

"I am sorry. That is a pain you cannot heal."

Fen'Asha wondered about the orb, its shattered and fragmented power. The Inquisition held its pieces, but there was no putting it together again. It would exist in a museum, as part of what once was.

"You cannot heal pain by hiding it."

In the midst of the celebrations came urgent news from Orzammar, with word of a rash of subterranean earthquakes collapsing one of the lyrium mines and endangering the existence of several others. And the seals that once held darkspawn away from the Deep Roads had crumbled, which led to an invasion of sorts.

Fen'Asha volunteered for the mission immediately, eager to shake the hand-shaking and praise of Skyhold. While her advisers recommended against it, she insisted and gathered Varric, Cole and Sera for a trip underground.

"You cannot treat a wound without knowing how deep it goes."

She met the Shaper Valta and Renn, an officer in the Legion of the Dead, but she felt alone. She kept quiet, kept to herself. But part of her was fascinated by the Shaper, by what she had turned up and by what she'd chosen to do.

Shaper Valta had been sent to do her work in the Deep Roads following her refusal to participate in some sort of political corruption. With Renn, she ventured through the endless tunnels and past the watchful Paragons.

And then, a year ago, Shaper Valta turned up text about the Titans. It predated the First Blight, suggested a form of intelligence behind the earthquakes that had been plaguing Thedas. Shaper Valta was of the belief that she could stop the quakes by reasoning with the Titan. Renn, needless to say, disagreed.

"You are truly content without fighting back?"

As troubling as the darkspawn were, it turned out that the Sha-Brytol were the greater problem. These "revered defenders" lived well below even the Deep Roads and drank from the blood of the Titan, gaining strength in their mission to protect their beliefs from the "impurities" of the outside world.

Armed with mechanized crossbows and lyrium-infused armour, the Sha-Brytol put up a significant fight. Renn was lost in a battle and Shaper Valta was understandably distressed for quite some time.

"Harden your heart to a cutting edge."

But they ventured on, plunging deeper until they came across more Sha-Brytol and a giant source of pure lyrium. Shaper Valta decided that they were actually inside the Titan and subsequently made a decision to stay behind in the deepest of caverns to study the matter further.

"There is much beyond your understanding."

So with more questions than answers, Fen'Asha led the Inquisition to the surface and endured the silence once more. The group had few questions below and seemed to have even less to say as the surface loomed. That suited the Inquisitor just fine.

"Any answers I could provide would only lead to more questions."

She couldn't shake her own questions, however. She couldn't shake the need to return to Skyhold, burst into the rotunda, ask Solas about she'd discovered. She wondered what he would say about the Titan, about the lyrium, about Shaper Valta. She longed for his insight, his voice, his touch.

"I want you to know that what we have is real."

Fen'Asha directed the Inquisition to set up camp one last time near the exit of the Deep Roads. She wanted to rest before the journey back. There was ale and the tents were large and comfortable. Varric and Sera took to drinking, while Cole lingered near the Inquisitor.

"The Wolf chews off his leg to escape the trap," he said finally.

"Who are you talking about, Cole?" asked Fen'Asha.

"It is a path he must walk in solitude forever," continued Cole. "He never intended to hurt you..."

Fen'Asha stared into her empty mug, wondering if dwarven ale was capable of causing hallucinations.

"The Lone Wolf, solitary, turned away, except for you. Warm, bright, she shines like the sun," Cole said. "Thirsting for her -- for you, water like fire. Fire that can cleanse. Fire at the heart... It hurt him to hurt you."

"I don't understand..."

"You are alone, lost, floating free," Cole said. "Heart burning for one thing, burning for him. But he wants you to be free. Wants you to forget."

Fen'Asha sighed, clanked her mug against the side of the stone table. "Solas," she mumbled. "Maybe I don't want to forget."

"There is hurt but those memories make you glad," Cole said. "I won't try to take your pain. I cannot pay your cost."

"My cost?" asked Fen'Asha.

"You have questions and there are answers, reaching and heaving from the beyond," he said.

Fen'Asha nodded.

"You must push the pain aside," said Cole. "Carry through, live in light again. Breathe."

"I'll see what I can do," said Fen'Asha.

Cole took his leave and Fen'Asha poured herself another ale, sitting alone at a table away from the others. She caught their eyes from time to time, but they knew to leave her be.

She considered what Cole had said and considered the Dread Wolf. The trickster god.

"If we are alive afterward, everything will be made clear."

She considered his aid, how it did not come freely. She wondered about the costs, about the price. About the Anchor, still glowing in her hand. About Corypheus, gone. About the Inquisition, still following her through the darkest corners of Thedas and beyond.

What was the cost? How could she live in the light again without knowing?

"Mala suledin nadas. Endure."