Resume, delete, begin again | an olicity au

Chapter 16

Love is a strange thing, because we can't control it. Whether you want to fall in love or not, it just happens. And love doesn't wait, it doesn't wait for the right time, and you can't put it on pause, if the time Isn't right. So maybe it had only been 3 months since Sara had passed, but when you meet the right person love doesn't wait for you to move on from your dead fiancé. No it goes full steam ahead and I do. I do love her. I love Felicity Smoak, no matter how much I wish i didn't. And at times I wish I didn't because of the complications that came with it. But nothing good ever comes easy, you have to wrk for it, especially when that thing is love.

2 weeks was all it took for me to fall in love with her, and 1 night is all it took for me to break her heart. Now, it might take a lifetime into earn forgiveness, but I had to do it.

I had finally accepted the truth, and I may not like it, but there was no changing it. My fiancé had been dead for 3 months, but I had already fallen in love yet again. But isn't that a good thing? In a way? Maybe? It could have taken me years to move on, to find true happiness again, but all it took was a few months. Yet I had destroyed that chance, with my words and my actions. I needed help, and this time I wouldn't make another mistake.

I text Diggle
O: can we talk?
D: yeah but no club 2nite
O: ofc, I just need to sort some things out
D: yeah just come by my place. I'll send u the address
O: k thanks
D: np man.

________

I knock on diggles door and a woman with short brown hair, opens the door. 
"You must be lyla, johns wife." I say, sticking out my hands to shake hers.
"Yes, John's putting our daughter Sophie to sleep. He'll be with you in a second." She says smiling.

In moments Diggle comes out of a room, down the hall, and says,
"Hi man."

"Thanks for letting me come here." I respond.

"Of course. A brother has to have his brothers back." He signals for me to follow him, and I do.

We go to johns at home office, and I lay down on the couch. I'm looking up at the ceiling and stare at the fan watching it go in circles. I begin to talk. The first thing that comes out of my mouth is
"Love. John, I love her. I really do, and maybe it's too soon, maybe it's too fast but I do love her. But it is too soon. It's 3 months, that's it. I love her, but I can't. Not now."

"You really think you do?" He asks.

"I know I do. I love her so much John. She makes me so happy, but I've hurt her so bad. All I want is for her to be happy."

"If that was true, than you'd be with her man." He says simply.

"The times not right. All I've done is hurt her, and I don't want to hurt her any longer. She told me to stop, to stop talking to her!"

"She wants you to fight for her Oliver! If you really do love her, you need to fight for her! You can't give up this easily! And the times never right. Not with love. And this is what Sara would have wanted. She wanted you to be happy. And Felicity makes you happy. 3 months, 3 years from her death, what difference does it make? She wanted you to be happy, not to prolong your sadness, simply to honor her memory."

"I don't know Diggle, I'm not really in the best place at the moment. I don't want to drag her down with me into my dark place, she doesn't deserve that."

"Maybe Felicity will change that, if you let her. And do want to know what she does deserve? She deserves for you to fight for her. It may be too soon, but you can not deny that she is one of the best people in your life. You can not let her go, not that easily.

"Maybe she will...your right John. I need to fight for her...I need to fight for her

_______
Earlier that Same day. This is going to be the first time I have Felicity as the narrator.

I was at work, trying to design a code to create a firewall to protect Palmer Law from a very lethal computer virus, that could spill all our top secret info. It was extremely intricate and frustrating and to top it all off, I had just had the worst conversation with Oliver.

He was confusing me so much. Well that was an understatement. I dont know how to describe the chaos of feelings and thoughts running around my mind. One moment he kissed me, the next he sleeps with someone else, then he says he can't be with me, and then he practically says he loves me, or (that he can't say he doesn't).
And honestly I can't even describe how I feel about Oliver.

The pain I had felt when my father left, well that was indescribable. I may not have remembered much, because I was so young, but I remembered the look on my mother's face when she found the note that said my father wasn't coming back home. Ever. I remember the pain that I felt, when my mom said "daddy's gone and he isn't coming back." And I remember what it felt like to grow up without a dad, to dance with my best friends father at the father daughter dance in my junior year, and the pain I still feel everyday, knowing my dad left me. I blame myself partially, because maybe I wasn't good enough to make him want to stay. But mostly I blame him, because he left. Well ever since then I haven't trusted guys.
Oliver was the first one. Ever.

So those 2 amazing weeks we spent together, those were some of the best of my life. He made me laugh and smile all the time. I gave him my trust, and I fell in love with him. I don't know how, because I was never that girl, who just fell for guys, but somehow I was put under his spell.

And he hurt me so bad, I mean how could he go and just sleep with another girl?? How could he tell me it meant nothing?? He made me feel cared for, but at the same time, I felt like I meant nothing to him. No ine had ever made me feel anything like this before. I was so mad at him, but at the same time I was madly in love. All these thoughts collided in my brain, and I just couldn't concentrate on the stupid fire wall, which I needed to finish by today. Then I hear I knock on the door, and I'm hoping to god it wasn't him, but hoping even more that it was. That he would fight to have me, that he would return once again. I look up, but instead of Oliver, I see a different man. Six feet tall, probably more, a wide frame standing in the door way.
"Hi I'm John Diggle, I'm Oliver's friend."
My face drops, I wonder what he's come here to say.
"Come in Mr Diggle." I say.
"Just Diggle is fine." He says, walking through the door.
"Okay" I smile, but I'm still nervous to hear what he has to say.

"I just wanted to tell you, I know Oliver has acted like an idiot. And he's made stupid decisions. But we all make mistakes..." He says pacing in front of me.

I cut him off
"Mistakes...a mistake is using Cambria font instead of Times New Roman. Sleeping with a random chic at the bar os not a mistake. He's a grown man and he has to know his actions have consequences and they can hurt people!  And in sorry I'm yelling at you Mr...Diggle. I don't even know you but...I'm sorry...I just needed to tell someone." My voice begins to crack at the end, and tears start to flood my face. Because I have every right to be mad at him, furious with him for all he's put me through. Yet I still love him, and my love for him alters all the feelings I should have.

"Felicity." He says. "Oliver...oliver is a complicated guy. And I know that he doesn't act like he loves you the way you wished he did. Maybe it doesn't seem like he loves you the way you prayed he would, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you with everything he has."

I am stunned by his words...and another tear rolls down my cheeks and falls onto my key board.

"You think he actually loves me?" I ask, sniffling.

"I know so. I see his eyes when he talks about you. He smiles when he hears your name and your all that's ever in his mind. And he will realize that Ms Smoak, and when he does I assure you he will fight for you." He answers. He gives me one last smile, and on that note he leaves my office, giving me a lot to think about.