Resume, delete, begin again | an olicity au

Chapter 17

Oliver is the narrator

Life was easier now that I had admitted the truth to myself and to Diggle. It's been a little less than a month since I accepted the truth, my reality. My semester was coming to an end and my 2 big cases were over. I had won both, and my boss Mr. Steele was very pleased with my work. I was a lot more relaxed and I was trying to enjoy my life. My thoughts weren't as conflicted anymore. Because there was no more do I love her, do I not? Now it was a simple I do. But the only way to love her, the way she deserved me to love her, is that I needed to have closure with Sara. Because Felicity was right. She can't compete with a ghost, with the memories I have of Sara, and I need to make sure, she doesn't feel like she needs too.

I had had short conversations with Felicity since. There was no longer anger that laced her words when she spoke to me. It was more like...I don't know...poisoned honey. Because it was sweet for her talk to me, even saying hi meant the world these days, but it felt forced and it hurt me to see the sadness behind her faked smile.

I'd try to Text her, and I'd get one word responses. No emotion at all behind them, but I guess that's better than no answer at all, right?

I'd look at her social media daily. Maybe it's weird but I'd want to know what she was up to. Before, during those two weeks of bliss, her Instagram and Twitter were filled with inside jokes and pictures of us doing random things. Now, I seemed very irrelevant. I started to question how she felt about me, but I realized, if she is still this hurt, it means she still cared.

The longer I waited, the worse it became, because the more distanced we were. I know I need to tell her my feelings toward her, I'm just scared of being rejected. Because I had my opportunity before l, and I didn't take it to to my advantage, I used it to hurt her instead. This time it was going to do this the right way.

_______

As I neared the cemetery tears welled up in my eyes. I blinked them away, refusing to cry and all the feels came back. My life seemed to flash In front of my eyes. I remember meeting her at that Starbucks, or our big belly Burger dates, or how she came to all my football games and our study sessions. But I also remember what it was like to hold her hand and see her motionless on the bed bedside me and see her heart monitor beep and go flat.

It had been a while since I was Last here, because it hurt so much, it reminded me of all that I had lost. I parked right outside and walked past the head stones. The hundreds of headstones that marked the lives of so many people. They all looked the same, white, some cleaner than others, the oldest were weathered away. The week after Sara's death I had been here every single day. I would talk to her, praying that somehow she could hear me.

As I approached the stone, I kneeled down beside it. I put the white roses at the base of the stone, carefully. Many other stones had flowers there too, red, purple, yellow. But mine were white, Sara's favorite. They reminded me of the how pure she was, and how now she was an angel, watching over me. I began to talk to her.

"I know I haven't been here in a while. And I'm so sorry, it just hurts so much to know that you're not with me. But I need to let you know what's happening to me, and I know it's selfish of me to ask this of you. Sara, you were the most important person in my life for so long. And I have loved you ever since I knew what love was, because you were my first love. I loved you with everything I had, and everything I was. You will never be forgotten, ever. But I need to begin again, and I know I can't live in pain my whole life. I just need to be happy again, and I need to know that you're okay with that. I love you Sara, forever and always."

Being at her grave again brought so many happy memories. Memories of Sara, running in the snow in winter and running in the water at the beach in summer. Memories of Sara that were irreplaceable and priceless moments that will always be with me.

I looked at the date on Sara's grave. 1995-2015. And right then and there I realized how her entire life was represented by that line. Everything she had ever done said or dreamed of was that little tiny line. She was was born in 1995 and that little line was all the memories she'd ever have until she died in 2015 because of me.

This one visit changes everything. Well maybe not everything but it changed a lot. Maybe it didn't change the fact that I still loved Felicity because I still do. It just reminded me of how much I still love Sara and how 3 months isn't enough.

Felicity showed me that I could still be happy, that I didn't have to give up on that and for that I will always be grateful. But I still owed it to Sara to continue to love her for the rest of my life like how I promised. I would fight for Felicity, but no longer for her love...at least for now...i would fight for her friendship. Then again I had promised myself just friendship before, and it hasn't seemed to work...

I know I can't be with Felicity, not now. But at the same time she needs to know how I feel. She needs the truth. And I'm going to tell her the truth, the only problem is I don't know how she will react, meaning either her heart or mine, will be broken by the end of the night.

________

I pull out my phone and shoot her a quick text.

O: Where r u? Can we talk?
F: At home, sick, just a low fever.
O: k, I'll be there in 10, is that cool?
F: ya
O: Thanks
F: np

And that was it, that was our conversation. No emotion. I drive over to Felicity's place, and I'm on time, something that is rare. But I guess with her, my actions are unpredictable.

I knock on her door, and a man answers.