"Letters she never sent"

Camila to Lauren / Chelsea's Channel

It had only been three months since our kiss at the 1975. Soon after, I had this fantasy in my head of how things were going to be from then. I was nervous about this whole thing, I had never actually kissed anyone like that let alone a girl, Lauren. It was a very bold move but I don't regret a thing. I had this dream that things could only really go up from that night and I couldn't have been anymore further from the truth.

One of biggest problems we had in our relationship was our overwhelming lack of communication. That wasn't really our fault though, we had such busy schedules we could never really sit down and talk about our feelings. The only time we could sit down was in our bunks or hotel rooms depending on where we were but that would be after a long time, and the tension would only build up the longer we left things.

After our kiss one thing was clear though: the feelings were definitely mutual. We spoke a bit about it and you were very clear with what you wanted. You wanted us, and you wanted us to work. You were willing to lose everything we had worked so hard to achieve, all for me. I, however, was slightly more hesitant and I still think that it was my doubtfulness and eagerness to chase my dreams that ruined this all. I was too focused on my career and goal oriented. I wanted you but I also wanted this dream we had all worked together for. Coming out would only tear the group apart...did you ever think of that? Not only that, I didn't want the world to know, I wanted it to be our little secret...

I remember we had a huge argument about it the morning of one of our interviews. It was an interview with Chelsea from Chelsea's Channel and I wasn't at all focussed throughout the entire thing. Sure, I put on a front and spoke about some bullshit – that was pretty much second nature these days, but really all I could think about was us and what was going to happen to us. We were always arguing when really all I wanted to do was just hold you tight Lauren, feel your skin on mine in the most innocent way.

And that's what lead to another stupid 'Camren' moment I had given to the world. I was so into my thoughts that I actually reached out to touch your hand mid interview, I always did stupid things but this was another level. Surprisingly, you held on for a few seconds, and in those few seconds I felt so calm and relaxed and back in my fantasy world with you. In a world where there were no problems, just love. Just you and I, living our dream together. The vision you saw of us in this world, I could only see in my fantasies. In a world where I was bold enough to accept myself and who I was, a world where I didn't have to choose between the love of my life and my career. Where in my fantasies there was no one to stop me from loving you, they couldn't lay a finger on me.

That fantasy came to a tragic end when you pulled away from my grip but honestly, that was expected. You were mad at me, I understood. I wasn't giving you a set answer, every time you would ask about the future of our relationship, I would bring up the future of our careers. You had every right to be angry at me Lauren. Believe me, I was always mad at me for it. Things got complicated after I had kissed you and I couldn't help think that kissing you was a mistake. I craved you so much, and the worst part of it all was you were right there. Within arms reach yet I just couldn't love you like I wanted to, because that's all I ever wanted to do Lauren;

I just wanted to love you.