"Letters she never sent"

Diary Entry / Management Meeting / Lauren POV

I remember around January we had an interview with Ryan Seacrest discussing the Reflection album. The order of how we walked into the studio was kinda like Dinah, Ally, Mani, myself and then Camila. We had literally just sat down before someone from the team had come over and asked me to swap seats with Ally. They didn't want me to sit next to Camila because they knew we were going to be filmed and management didn't want to fuel this Camren fire that was spreading by having us next to each other.
"I don't want you sitting next to each other, swap with Ally" one of the guys had demanded. I remember he looked right at me as he had whispered: "Are you forgetting our little meeting? Don't make a scene Lauren, just move".

Just before our album was due to be released, I remember Camila and I had separate meetings with management. I knew exactly what it was about; they had really been on our case, especially they saw me kissing her in the hospital a few months back. They never asked me about that but they knew. Things happened in Brazil around October as well which they had clocked onto. To put things simply, they weren't happy with us. They hated the idea of Camren as it tarnished our image as a stereotypical, heterosexual girl group. They didn't even try to beat around the bush with this 'intervention'; they went straight into it and from what I remember the conversation went a little like this:

"We literally do not care what is going on between you and Camila, we couldn't care less. What we care about is our image, our name, our brand as a girl group: 'Fifth Harmony'. You realise thing lesbian phase you're going through has the potential to completely damage this group? Sales will drop significantly. I'm sure you're smart enough to know this" a lady opposite me had told me in the most patronising way possible. I didn't even know who the fuck she was which made me extremely angry.  'Lesbian phase'? Incredible.

"I'm not ashamed of who I am or who I love" I had replied. "I don't give a shit about your image, we're not public its not a big fucking deal what we do in private." I remember arguing.

"Let me tell you something Lauren" some guy opposite me started saying, God knows who he was but I let him tell me his bullshit:

"The thing with Camila is, she's got the most potential in this group. She's the centre of Fifth Harmony, she's our doll and the way we see it, she's going to do really very well. Now, the problem we have here is, well, you Lauren. You're not only ruining things for the GROUP with your selfish ways and feelings; you're ruining things for her, when she decides to go solo – which wont be too long. If you really loved her, wouldn't you want her to do well? This industry is dirty Lauren; people are only in it for themselves".

He leant over the table and looked at me directly in my eyes as he had said his finishing sentence. He said it with such spite; almost as if he knew the reason behind our arguments, our tears, my constant fears of you leaving me, our up all nights trying to find a way around this and your endless promises that you would never do what I feared the most. He looked directly at me and lowered his tone as he said "Why don't you drop her before she drops you Lauren? Which she most certainly will: she loves the fame, we both know that...don't we Lauren?"

I took every ounce of me not to cry in front of them. All I could do was get my things and walk out. I still couldn't believe what had just happened; I felt so sick. It had really opened my eyes to what this industry was. They literally slammed me for being who I am, it almost made me hate who I really was.
I was always so insecure about this thing with Camila, I always thought I was being selfish for wanting her so much and this meeting confirmed it. Maybe I was ruining things for her? Every argument had usually started with me wanting more and her wanting to take things slow. I knew Camila very well, she always wanted to be the centre of attention: in performances she was always in the middle, in interviews she was always the one who spoke the most and it made me sick to think management were making her this way. Making her their 'doll' to make money from her. What kept me up was that Camila was also going to have a meeting, and unlike me, what if she actually fell for it?

I couldn't stop thinking about that one thing he said:
'Why don't you drop her before she drops you Lauren? ...: she loves the fame; we both know that...don't we?' – it kept repeating in my head like a broken record, it drove me insane.

Was I completely delusional to think she loved me more than all that? It was only the first month of the year and I already the worst feelings for our relationship for 2015. We had survived everything up to this point but my gut was telling me that things now were different this time round and as much as I tried to fight that feeling, I couldn't help but think it was right. Management were playing a game with us now; I just didn't know if I had a chance of winning.

Only time would tell.