"Letters she never sent"

Diary Entry / Lauren

ssweet-dispostionn: "soon you'll realise that many people will love the idea of you but will lack the maturity to handle the reality of you".

As expected, things weren't too good since we got back from the UK. A lot had happened in between but one thing I couldn't get my head around was why she was being so distant with me. It was like something was bothering her, like she was ashamed of what we had. We weren't having fun anymore; things were just serious with her. I don't remember anything in particular that I could have done to affect things between us. It was almost like she woke up one day and realised she wasn't interested in me anymore? In whatever it was that we had fought so hard for over the past few years? Her head just wasn't in it anymore. Something else was occupying her mind and I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was.

It was weird. I had seen and reblogged the above quote on Tumblr and it just made me think. It was almost like a wake up call. What the hell was going on with us? As the days passed I was literally watching her slip away from me. There weren't anymore jokey interviews or spontaneous kisses in our hotel room – I can't even remember the last time I kissed her.

My mind was just occupied with questions: was there something going on that she never told me about? Was there someone else? There were people that she was set up with in the past for "image maintenance" but it never lasted because it was never real – but was it different this time? Was it something to do with management? I knew they had been planning to separate us for a long time. Since the beginning they always had this issue with this 'Camren trend' – I never understood how it was my fault though.

It was weird, I always thought our Reflection album was like, my punishment for falling in love with her. Like management knew I was the one who was willing to drop everything for her and they knew out of the two, I wouldn't back down without a fight. I wasn't jealous or anything, I just couldn't help but notice they would rarely ever include my recorded parts, whereas she got the majority. That probably wasn't the case but it was just a thought. Management had been on to this for a long time, it wouldn't surprise me. The levels they would go down to try and get what they wanted was ridiculous. They would do anything to maintain their image and what not. They had done so much in the past – so many suspended accounts which shared information they didn't like, so many paparazzi pictures that they couldn't publish because of the threats management would give. Giving me the least solos was probably the easiest thing they could have done.

Back to that quote though, it just really made me think. Camila would often talk about this utopia she had which was like her escape. She had written a song that she shared with me a while back. It was about this fantasy world where she could 'never get hurt', but it made me think; she was so into this fantasy that she wasn't actually seeing the reality of what was going on. Okay, in her head everything was great but what about right in front of her?

2015 really wasn't our year in terms of our relationship and I literally couldn't stop the thoughts I had of just giving this up. How much could I fight for someone without getting anything back? Up until now I had literally given everything to her. Everything to a point I literally had nothing left inside of me, I was drained. I was so desperately trying to hold her close but she just seemed to be getting more and more distant from me. There was just something inside of her that no longer craved me like she used to, something else was occupying her heart and mind and it certainly wasn't me.

I guess this was just a norm for me now. I'd give everything I had to someone and get hardly anything back. It was okay, I was getting used to having my heart broken as it happened enough times in the past. Maybe I just wasn't capable of being loved. Maybe I was just someone you could use to pass time and then forget when something or someone else better comes along.

I guess it's my fault though. My fault for thinking someone could say they loved me and actually mean it this time. Everything seemed to be my fault.