Insignificant

My Life is a Lie

The reason why my life is a lie is because I'm not who I say I am. Before this epiphany came to me, I use to believe my life was my own and no one influenced me in any way. People would tell me I was getting bigger but I never believed them because every time I looked at myself I saw the slim voluptuous girl of 15. So I just brushed people's comments aside as I felt they were overreacting and I carried on doing my own thing. Until one day I looked in the mirror and saw what everyone else saw.

All I could think was, how had this happened to me? The tears started spilling down, I could see who I really was and I couldn't be angry at anyone who made a comment like that again because it was truth just staring at them in the face. I felt embarrassed and ashamed, why me? It got to the point that at times I would feel nauseous looking at myself so, all together I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I thought I was untouchable, how could I face people now? This made me lose absolute confidence in who I was if I didn't know who I was then how was I meant to stand tall in front of people. So I cowered and became even more withdrawn and started to reevaluate me.

I discovered I had no clue who I was and everything I thought was me actually came from someone else. An example was my laugh, it was a mixture of my cousin Samantha and a friend Dani because I recall thinking they were people I wanted to be. Or my favorite food was rice and chicken because that's what my mum told me.

The only thing I could say was mine was the way I walked. I trained myself to walk in a way that my body would sway so that my curves would stand out more. At this moment it was pointless just like the existence of my being. So I scrapped any ideologies about myself and I decided to start afresh and my first task was to get myself back to how I use to look before. To achieve this I starved myself, after a few days it got better I didn't miss food and I thought this was good because I was saving money.

What I did realise about myself was that if I didn't like you, just looking at you would make me feel absolutely nauseous. So this in turn made me avert my eyes from people because I didn't want to puke on anyone. This obviously affected me because when that phase ended I couldn't look people in the eye. This was also to my demise.

I'll tell you something that's funny but to you might seem sad. I haven't celebrated my birthday in 6 years. I don't even have a drink to make me feel better. Usually my mum would call, wish me happy birthday and that was all.

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I promise that the depressing chapters will come to an end soon :)

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