Insignificant

Returning Home

It’s been a year and a bit since that night and the only thing I can say is no matter how many times we become intimate it does nothing to erase his face from my mind. It’s as though it intensifies with the frequencies of us bedding each other. I have days when I zone out and all I would be thinking about was meeting him on the street or some other place, he would grab me and give me the most life changing kiss ever known to reality. However I am brought back to reality every time that it’s not true and this causes my frustration to rocket to different levels and it’s funny because to Kevin he thinks I need more sex when in fact what I really need is Oscar! Not Kevin, Oscar. Just Oscar. The smell of his johnson’s baby oil, the feel of his hair and losing myself in his beautiful eyes. My frustration would lead me to throw little tantrums with myself, at times destroying dishes or whatever else was in my sight. Which on some occasions included Archie. He never retaliated because he understood why I was sad, he had days like that but instead of getting angry he would just cry and cry. So we had that mutual agreement I get to hit him and he cries on my shoulder.

Poor Archie it took him forever to talk to me after I found out what he did and I couldn’t blame him for the guilt he felt because it was a blatant misuse of my trust. It’s like how an inmate gives up another inmate to the wardens or to their prison mates as meat to be devoured. But of course I understood why he did it. Both of us are victims and we’re doing all we can to survive. I reckon if he hadn’t done it someone back home or possibly me could have been the paid for his disobedience. All I’m saying is that he could have given me a heads up so I could pretend at least in front of Kevin. Bit that didn’t happen so whatever I guess.

The truth about our Kevin and I’s relationship was that we secretly cared about each other maybe Kevin more than me. I only cared whether he’d eaten or whether after a night of ‘dealing’ with potential threats he wasn’t hurt. There’s no possibility of me giving my heart back to him because he lost it and was never getting it back plus it belonged to someone who I missed without a shadow of a doubt. This contributed to my little breakdowns, especially when I and Kevin are sleeping with each other, there have been occasions when I’ve almost called out Oscar’s name or the countless times when I’ve woken up in his arms and been distraught to find that Oscar wasn’t there an evidence that this move is getting the worst of me and proves that I can’t handle it any longer. Hence why I’ve started crying after our evening session today.

“Hey, hey babe, what’s wrong?” He asked with worry laced in his voice whilst cupping my face.

I shook my head and proceeded to speak whilst sobbing “I miss home Kevin. I want to go back.” I look down in fear that he wouldn’t like my answer. That was another thing, despite our physical connection we still hadn’t mastered the emotional/mental connection between one another, so I was in fear that this wouldn’t sit well with him and I was preparing myself for a lashout. I waited and waited but nothing came, no words just the sound of his breathing on my face. The breeze of his breath only making more anxious about being so bold and rethinking my decision to speak.

“Okay we’ll go back if it’ll make you happy.” He said as he lifted my face upwards so he could kiss me. Even though I nodded my head I knew that there would be a catch. I mean when had Kevin ever done anything for my benefit and I quote to make me “happy”. Whatever it was I would be preparing for it but for now I was just delighted that I would see my mother after so long and possibly Oscar if I played my cards right. I let out a shaky breath, let Kevin go again as gratitude for his decisions and fell asleep only dreaming about seeing him and nothing else.

For the next week and a bit I had been an absolute delight to be around. I was packing, saying goodbye to some of the people I had met and just getting ready to leave this greek island that I had to call home for the last year or so. Of course there were some things I would miss for example, being able to gaze at an actual ocean front rather than looking at a blue wall. I would miss the food, the vibe that came from people and I think the freedom that I gained outside the house at certain times. But I was happy to be going home and that’s all that mattered. Even on the flight home, my fear of flying was completely thrown out the window and eventhough I was vomiting I knew it was worth it because I was on my way home. I would sigh and think how long it had been and if I had enough power, when Kevin is returning I might decline the offer.