The Irony of Your Perfection (An Asking Alexandria Fan Fiction)

Chapter Seventeen

Hey guys!

I just wanted to say that I am veryveryvery sorry about how short the chapter is. I've been trying to push myself through a severe bout of writer's block for about a month now and it isn't showing signs of letting up. However, I've kept you all waiting for a long time and I feel bad about it so I decided that a little chapter is better than no chapter at all. As I've said before, the story is coming to an end and because I'm trying not to end it too abrubtly, I've been dragging things out a bit which hasn't helped a lot with the writer's block :p so here it is. Very short, but very important to the story. There are tradeoffs I guess. c:

Enjoy, you sexy fucks.

***

I wake up to an insistent knocking on my door. I roll over and stuff my head under a pillow; I don’t want to wake up. I just want to sleep until everything makes sense again.

“Come on, Az. I know you’re in there.”

It’s Ben’s voice.

“Shut up and go away,” I say.

Go away and don’t come back unless you bring Elias with you.

I can hear a faint chuckle on the other side of the door, which only infuriates me further.

“She bites,” says Ben.

“Fuck off,” I retort, and I bury myself under the covers. I wish he would leave me alone. If I ignore him, he’ll have to leave sometime.

Ben continues to bang on my door and yell at me to let him in, but I don’t reply. After a few minutes, his voice begins to take on a more desperate tone. I hold the pillow more tightly against my head, determined to shut out his every word. One thing he says, though, stands out.

“I just wanted to say that none of this is your fault and that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself,” says Ben, so quietly that I can barely hear him through the door.

I hurl myself out of bed and whip the door open, glaring coldly into his sharp blue eyes.

“Don’t ever say that again,” I hiss through clenched teeth. “Don’t try to comfort me with a lie, especially one like that.”

For a moment, Ben looks scared. Quickly, he regains his composure.

“That wasn’t a lie. Please, Az, can we just talk about it? Danny didn’t mean it”-

“I don’t care about Danny. You can tell him that if you want,” I growl. “Now get the fuck out of here before I really take my anger out on you.”

Ben runs a hand through his hair in frustration and turns around. “Fine, I’ll go then. Thanks for nothing, Az. Maybe Danny was right about you after all.”

I slam the door and roll back into bed, fighting back tears. Of all of the guys, I value Ben’s opinion of me the most. He’s the ringleader, the one who let me stay with the band in the first place. He’s always been there to stand up for me, and now that he’s bringing me down I’m not sure what to do with myself.

I rub my eyes and walk over to the coffee machine. I can’t stop thinking about Danny. Dear Lord, it’s like Joe all over again. Why the fuck would he do this? Had he been planning this for a while? Was he lying that whole time?

I glance down at what I’m doing; I’ve absentmindedly dumped the coffee grounds into the place where the water should be. I sigh and give up on the whole idea. I’m not in a good enough state of mind to do the simplest of daily tasks; I shouldn’t even have tried.

I pick up my phone and check my messages, something I’ve been putting off for quite a while. I’ve got three texts from James, two from Cameron, four from Sam and six from Ben. Of course, none from Danny. I wonder what Ben’s say; apparently the most recent one was from before he came over. I tap his name and when the messages pop up, I want to crawl back under the scratchy blankets and return to my fitful sleep.

Danny’s really fucked up. Please come back and help

Please, Az, we can’t find him. Come back, at least until we find him

We’re getting really fucking worried about him, any idea where he is?

Azalea please answer me, we need you!!!

Found him passed out in an alley. Coke overdose. He’s in hospital. Load of help, you were.

He’s doing okay but he’s asking for you. Please come back Az, he really needs you right now and he won’t talk to any of us

My head falls into my hands. Ben was obviously desperate when he came here, but as usual he let his temper get the better of him. A wave of shame washes over me. Who am I to sit here as Danny suffers?

But who was he to turn my life into this tumultuous pool of obscure uncertainty, this thing which holds no joy?

I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood. Why should I go back to them? Danny’s overdosed before. It’s not like he won’t make it through it; he’s too strong-willed for his own good. Either way, I don’t give a fuck. I’m not going back there; more stress won’t help anything.

I decide to get up and look around the town. Anything to take my mind off of the events of the past few days. We’re not here for a gig; the guys are taking the day off. I don’t want to think about what happens at the end of the day.

As I walk down a quiet side street I spot a chunk of gravel on the ground and kick it as hard as I can, sending rocks skidding in all directions.

“Nice kick,” says a voice from behind me. I close my eyes.

Fuck.

I turn around and find myself looking up into Ben’s baby blue eyes. “Go away, Ben,” I say in a tired voice.

Ben frowns. “Azalea, please. You need to listen to me. Danny isn’t doing very well.”

I stare at my feet.  “Ben, I already told you. I don’t care.”

Ben puts a firm hand on my chin, forcing me to look at him. As I meet his gaze my hands ball into tight fists, my fingernails digging into my palms. I fight the urge to yell.

“You say you don’t care,” he says, “but you do. You fucking care, Azalea, and you know it. Trust me. I think I know you better than you know yourself.”

It comes from my mouth before I have the chance to stop it.

 “How dare you say something like that? You don’t know me, Ben. You don’t know me at all.” Angrily, I break away from his grip. “If you knew me, you would know that I don’t fucking love Danny and that I never have. You would know that I’ve been using him just to get to Joe. So when I say that I don’t care, I mean it. Now leave me alone.”

Ben stops dead in his tracks.

“You bitch,” he says.

When I turn and walk away, he doesn’t follow me.

When he can no longer see me, I burst into tears.

Because I’ve finally figured everything out, and I know that what I said to Ben was only partly true.

I realize now that I’ve been using Danny and that I was seeing Joe in everything we did. I can admit to myself that I was waiting on Joe and using Danny as a replacement. Through all of that I wasn’t thinking of Danny; I wasn’t taking in any of his traits, his humor, his actions, anything.

And I think of all the little things about Danny and everything clicks into place, everything is clear. Because I know that somewhere under the illusions of Joe, I do care about Danny. I see that under all of the pretending, under everything…

I love Danny.

And now, because of the state that he’s in, it’s possible that I won’t be getting him back.

I need to go see him, but how can I, now that I’ve told Ben all of those things?

Maybe I’m better off to walk away.