Passenger | Unedited Version

chapter twenty six | cold as you

chapter twenty six | cold as you

Why does the days after a breakup always hurt more than the actual act of breaking up with someone?

I thought seeing Indie's face when I told her goodbye was the most that my bleeding heart could take, but I've never been more wrong in my whole life. Whenever I close my eyes for any longer than a second, whether it be when I'm trying to sleep or whenever I start to drift off into my own subconscious, the only thing that I can see are the tears that trailed down Indie's face as she stopped at the doorframe for one last second. I want anything else to take its place, but it seems like the harder I try to think about anything else, the image only intensifies until I can't even stand up from all of the guilt.

I know that I'm the one that said that we should break up, but I really wish that it had been her who said the fateful words instead. Because if she would have been the one to squash any hopes of us patching things up, then I would be allowed to be as sad as I feel. Maybe if she had said worse words than the ones that she did, I could find it within me to hate her so much that the love would just burn away. Maybe if she had said words tamer than the words she did, I wouldn't feel as angry as I do. Maybe if the day hadn't happened at all, I would feel alright again.

How can I feel so shitty, when it was all my fault?

I don't have the right to want to sleep for a million years and to eat all of the ice cream currently available in all of the surrounding towns combined. I don't have the right to have cried as much as I've been doing these past few days and I know that it'll only get worse. People may say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes the cut is too deep to be saved and you have to cut the whole leg off. I think that this is one of those times.

By the amount of tissues littering the floor of my room and the amount of times that I started to dial Indie's number in desperation only to not go through with the call, you would think that this was my first break up. In an odd way, this is my first breakup; my relationship with Indie was the only one that I've ever had that actually meant something to me and she was the first person that I said that I loved. She was my first love and all I want is for her to be my last, but I've already screwed that up.

I just don't get how I can feel this way because I still don't even know if I want to be her girlfriend again.

There's no questioning the fact that I want to have Indie around me, for her to be there when I need her and for her to kiss me so long that I start to lose feeling in my lips. I want to hold her hand when she needs me to and I want to make fun of the way she can't spell a thing to save her life. I want her to praise my drawings and I want to make maps specific to her, specific to the way that she makes me feel about her. I want her to be in my life until my very last breath, but in what way?

But I only want these things if the way that we act around each other goes back to the way it did in the beginning of the summer and I don't think that's possible at this point. We're different people now than we were then. Indie was right when she said that I can't handle change and I think I got too caught up in this idea that we were going to stay golden forever. I never even factored in the possibility of Indie growing into a more confident person while I grew into a more weaker one.

I remember thinking a few months back about how couples are supposed to grow together, evolving into a better version of themselves from the aid of finding yourself in blissful love with someone who will support you no matter what. At the time, I had said that that wasn't the case for Indie and I; that we weren't getting any better and that we were just slowly falling apart at our seams, which I guess I should have seen as the first clue that I would have seconds thoughts about being with her.