I lay in bed and think about my run in with Ashton.
Maybe I shouldn't have run away.
Maybe I should have stayed and talked to him.
"You alright?"
I look over at michael, Jaspar laying on his chest.
"Fine, just thinking."
He moves Jaspar to the side and turns to me. Pulling me into his arms and cradling me, the way Ashton use to. Except it's not Ashton, it's michael.
"I still love you. Even though you tossed me around and played games."
"Why."
"Because, you're you."
"Well I'm a shitty person."
"No you aren't. Stop it."
"I am-" he harshly cuts me off with a kiss. He softly bites down on my lower lip to ensure his words.
"Just quit talking." he whispers to me.
I nod my head as he kisses me once more, then pulling me into his chest.
"Michael.. I don't know if I can do this."
"Do what?"
"this." I gesture towards us cuddling and referring to us kissing.
He lets go of me, taking the hint.
"I get it. You aren't over him." He gets up and grabs his jacket, walking out of my room.
He's right, I'm not over Ashton. I'm just terrified of being with him.
I'm afraid of being abandoned again. and again. and again.
Ashton tends to run away and I don't know if I can handle that.
I get up and decide to change and take Jaspar for a walk.
"Come on boy." I latch the leash to his collar and we walk outside, down the steel staircase and into the sun.
We walk down the street and cross over to head to the dog park. Once we get there I let Japsar run around and play with other dogs.
I play on my phone and finally after Jaspar decides he's done by laying down in the dirt and panting, we leave.
We follow the same route and go home. I walk up to my door and notice it's cracked.
"I thought I locked this.."
I slowly push the door open and carefully walk inside.
"Hello..?"
A figure walks from around the corner, tall, hazel eyes, and curly hair.
"Ashton.." I whisper.
"Jade..I needed to see you."
"How did you get in?"
"The key you left for me."
I suddenly remember that I never moved the key for Ashton.
"What do you want?"
"I made a mistake."
I hum in response. He did, he made a huge one.
"I love you, Jade."
"Sure doesn't feel like it when you take my heart and crush it like you did." I start to get angry with him.
"I shouldn't have done that." he reaches out to me, but I back away.
"Yeah you shouldn't have, but you did and you hurt me." my lip slightly quivers.
"I'm better though.. I'm ready to be here 100%. you have to admit Jade, I wasn't here fully before I left. I was like 2% here, I couldn't fully love you and now, now I can!" he starts to cry at this point, making me feel sorry for him. Sorry for us.
"Ashton, I don't know what to do."
"Let me back in, please. Let me love you kitten." he begs
"Why should I?"
"Because I won't make the same mistakes twice."
"Let me think about it.." I look down at the floor signaling I want to be alone.
He steps towards me and the door, kissing the crown of my head and silently leaving.
My heart aches at this point. It hurts to live at this moment.
I don't know if it aches because I want him back or if it's because I don't want to see him even though it's hard to say no.
I walk over to my couch and sink into the cushion. Am I even awake? Was that real?
I start to question myself to death that I don't even realize I'm asleep.
