Bubbles

Chapter 5

Penny

I told her. I shouldn't have told her.
I should have shut up.
I need some bubbles.

It takes me ten minutes to run to the corner shop and replace what I gave to the little redhead.

This time, I grab the shiny spheres in my fists and pop them. Because I shouldn't have told her, and that makes the bubbles sad.
When bubbles are sad, they die.
I don't know if I should tell Greg, because he wants me to go over tonight. I don't really like what he does, but he says it has to happen. He says it will help to make me like boys.
I don't think I can. I like girls. I want to touch their hair, and kiss them.
But I'm not allowed.
Dad knows, and he doesn't say anything. He has sadness in his eyes, and he stopped trying to convince mum that she should 'let me be'.
I shouldn't have told Lucy about it.
If she stops him, I'll keep liking girls.
But Greg's not succeeding at making me like boys.
I've thought about asking him to stop, but he says it's for my own good. So it's fine.
The bubbles are sad, and they're all dead. I shouldn't have told Lucy. I'm stupid.
I have to get to Greg's house now.

I ring his front doorbell.
I hear him shouting through the door. "Upstairs, Penny."
When I get to his room, he's only wearing jeans and socks. There are clothes on his floor, his wardrobe is open and his bed is unmade. The computer screen is cracked.
I fix everything mentally. I silently hope that Lucy has got protective gear for her bike now.
As soon as I've taken a step inside, he's pressing me against the wall. I don't like how his body feels against mine, I don't like his smell and I don't like the grip he has on my thigh.
I don't like his lips on my neck, or the roughness of his stubble.
"Touch me, Penny, or you won't understand properly."
He takes my hand and presses it to his chest.
Suddenly I'm hitched up, and my legs are wrapped around his waist.
He goes to unzip my dress.
I think of bubbles, and Lucy.

It's 2am and I'm skipping outside again. I left my phone at home because it's dead.
I shouldn't have told her. Stupid Penelope Gold.
Thinking of my full name reminds me of how much I like my surname - Gold. It's silly, but I like it.
My older brother always joked around and told me that I was only ever going to be silver.
Then he went to jail forever (it seems like forever, and no one has told me when he is coming back) and mum got bossy.
I've found my way to the garage I met Lucy at. I sit on a bench a little way down the street, and squint at the bright twinkles of lights below.
My house and the streets surrounding it are raised slightly, so we get a view of the city and the beach. My classmates always say it's where the rich people live.
There's a wispy trail of smoke rising from someone's chimney. Most of the lights on the single skyscraper are out.
Why did I tell her? Maybe I secretly want her to know.
I keep too many things from myself. Sometimes I feel like two people.
I think of the cartoon image of someone with an angel and a devil on their shoulders, and giggle quietly. I like cartoons.
A motorcycle is approaching.