A/N Hey, so like, I'm starting to chip away the writer's block that has been stuck on me for a while, help from a lovely man named Chris Corner and his music. So I'm back and I hope I'll continue to be back! Also, I've made a few ereri stories on my archiveofourown account! (Shameless self promotion) so check those out if you ship it, there's some shizaya there as well! So yeah, but anyway, I'm back, I'm a bit rusty, so sorry if it's disappointing, but I'm back and hope to get better as I continue to be back! Love you guys and thanks for being patient!
I walk out the door, feeling broken and misplaced, as the day was just passed by, as useless and empty as yesterday, and the day before that. A broken, defeated sigh escapes my lips, as if the noise itself knew that I wasn't getting any sleep tonight.
"What the Hell did you do to me, Shizu-chan?" I ask to somebody who isn't there, hasn't been for a long time. I've barely slept since you left. Shinra says that it's dangerous, could cause health problems or even kill me, but, honestly, I don't care. Hell, half the time I hope it'll kill me, drag me out of this now monotone routine.
I miss you so much, you claimed to love me. So how could you do this to me?! How could you leave me in my cold, too big apartment, having to be alone in my cold too big bed, just wondering what I did wrong?
I wish you'd come back, though if you did, I know you'd be ashamed of what I've become. The look of madness, a feral glow, that now takes over my crimson eyes. One that begs for help, but one that has no control, driving others away.
You always knew how to take that away, he always knew when to hold me, how to tame the beast inside of me, how to capture my frail, protected heart.
And smash it into a million pieces.
My conscience begs for mercy, unable to stop the small hourglass in my brain, counting down to its destruction, my destruction. The end of my humanity. I'm unable to stop anything. I'm not strong enough to move it, I'd need monstrous strength to do so. You always did.
I began to notice how you've changed a lot of my routines, I've grown a child-like dependency on you. I can't sleep without you, I can't feel safe without you, I feel like I can't live without you, and every day I try to, I'm just prolonging my misery.
My misery of leaving an empty, once happy apartment at the gods know what hour, unsure of which I'll be doing tonight. Crawling back to drugs or sex. My eyes land on a certain man just inside my usual bar, and our eyes meet, telling me my choice.
I pretend each of his caresses belong to you, each of his whispers don't truly belong to him, that you're still in Tokyo, that you didn't decide that I wasn't good enough anymore.
The small, delusional bliss may only last one night, but I'm desperate for anything by now.
"But you're such a great man," your brother said, his monotone voice stinging, "why are you with someone so... messed up?"
I cry, thinking maybe that's why you decided to abandon me...
I submit to his touch, thinking of you, the one who abandoned me.
The one who broke me.
The one who crushed my heart.
The one who turned me into this shell of my former self.
This mess.
This ball of sorrow.
This insomniac.
A/N so hey guys! What'd y'all think? Sorry I'm a bit rusty. But I'm trying and I hope to get better as I continue to be back! Live you guys and thanks again!
