Espionage

Something Isn't Quite Adding Up

It's been 2 weeks, 5 days, and 13 hours since Tyler's been announced missing, but who's counting? Not me. I've been way too focused on school to even think about Tyler. I haven't thought about him one bit. I haven't thought about his perfect smile, or the way his hair seems to be imperfectly perfect all the time. I haven't thought of the way his nose crinkles when he gets frustrated or the cute way he rubs his eyes when he's tired that reminds me of a toddler. I haven't thought about the way he bites his lips when he concentrates or the way his eyes sparkle whenever a mission is announced. As you can so clearly see, I have not been thinking about Tyler Greyson at all.

Instead I've put all of my mind into school. I've been working on the hardest codes in my computing class, making the most 'dangerous' chemical combinations in Research and Development, and getting more honing my skills in Cov' Ops. I mean, focusing on school is exactly what I'm meant to be doing. It's the best way to be able to help anyone. Tyler said that me going into the field would just complicate things and I'm starting to believe him. I mean, if Tyler could get taken, and he's one of the best future spies in the field right now, then what makes me believe that I'd stand a chance right now. No. I need to get better. Train harder. Tyler told me to stay put and that's what I'm going to do until he comes home. Because he will come home. He's going to come back to me. I know it. Until then, I-...

"Ela!" I heard my friends yell at me, breaking me out of my train of thought.

"What? Sorry." I asked, trying to focus on what they were saying. They looked at each other before looking back over at me.

"What's up with you? You haven't been paying attention to a single thing we've been saying. We have a test tomorrow in Research and Development." Jade said, throwing an eraser at me.

"Sorry. I'm focused now. Promise."

"You sure?" Bri asked, popping a sour patch kid in her mouth.

"Yea, no, I'm fine. Cross my heart. I just got lost in a train of thought. That's all." I mumbled, shaking my head. I know that I can tell my friends anything, but I definitely can't tell them that I was thinking about Tyler again. If they knew that his name popped into my head even once, they'd go off on an annoying tangent about how it's ok to be sad and miss him.

I know it's okay to be sad that he's gone. I know it's okay to miss him. I know all of that, but being sad and dwelling on how much I miss him isn't going to help me. Besides, he's a field agent. This was bound to happen eventually. It's the worst possible outcome but it's definitely always been a possibility. We both knew this could happen. When we go into the field this is something that's going to happen often and I guess I'm just learning how to deal with it early. Even still, I don't wanna think about it. I don't want to think about him in that context. I kind of just want to believe that he's back at Blackthorne and just doesn't have access to his cellphone. It's a temporary separation. If I think of it that way then it's easier to digest. Easier to handle.

"You know, you don't have to hide it from us every time you think about him." Jess spoke, finally prying her eyes away from the book.

"Don't I? I mean, let me guess what your next sentence was going to be, 'it's okay Ela, you're allowed to be sad. You don't need to bottle up your emotions, it's bad for you. No one is expecting you to be holding it all together. We know you miss him.'" I shot back at her.

"Ela..." Dee started, but I cut her off.

"Look, Ty knew what he was getting into when he decided to start working as a part time field agent. That was his decision and he had to accept all the risks that came along with it. Ty and I knew what it would mean if we got involved with each other. We understood that something like this could happen. So, I know. I know that it's okay to miss him. I know it's okay to be sad. But, to be honest, I don't think that's what Tyler would want me to do. He'd want me to move forward... He'd want me to fight. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to fight for him. It's only been two weeks, okay? Two weeks. Give me some time to deal with this my way. I'll be fine, I just can't deal with the constant hovering. Okay?" I looked between my friends and saw the looks of concern written on their faces. And that's what I couldn't stand. I love them, I really do, but I can't look at them right now. I just need space, they're suffocating me. "I'm gonna go for a walk. Continue studying without me." I groaned before walking out into the hallway.