Espionage

It's Not A Date, I Just Want Some Fun!

Tonight was Evan's party. I've spent all week thinking about it. Debating back and forth whether or not I should go. Honestly, I came up with a hell of a lot more reasons to stay home than to go out, but yet here I am at this very moment getting ready to go to this party.

It's been a month since Tyler's been missing... presumed dead. You'd think after what happened with my dad that I would be a pro at this whole grieving thing. That I would know how to handle it a bit better. That I would know all the proper coping mechanisms. And, to be fair, I do know. I know how to handle my emotions, to internalize them. I know how to grieve in a way that doesn't inconvenience anyone else. I know how to keep myself together. And that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying my very best to keep it together. Hold the pieces into place with Elmer's glue and hope it'll stick.

So, if going to this party and blowing off some steam is going to help me keep it together, then so be it. It's going to be a one and done situation. I'm going to go to this party. I'm going to hang out with my "townie boyfriend" (as Tyler would call him). And I'm going to pretend for one second that I'm normal. That I'm a normal girl going to a normal boarding school. A girl who doesn't have to constantly be checking over her shoulder wherever she goes. A girl who doesn't relentlessly hack into government databases to try to find information about her missing father and missing partner (slash almost boyfriend? Maybe boyfriend? Dude she has a big ole crush on?).

No. Tonight I'm just normal. I'm Eleanor Mae. A sweet girl from a small town in Tennessee, who loves sweet tea and probably peach cobbler. The most stressful thing she's ever had to think about is what dress to wear to her debutante ball. That's who I wanna be right now.

"Are you sure you should be going out on a date right now?" Dee asked slowly as she, and my other roommates, sat watching me put on my outfit. I honestly forgot that they were in the room. I turned to look at them.

"It's not a date." I mumbled, while walking to the bathroom.

"Dee's right. I don't think you should be going out on dates right now." Bri added, and everyone mumbled in agreement, everyone but me. I started curling my hair.

"It's not a date." I replied a little louder, watching the curls bounce around my shoulders. I sprayed hairspray with each layer I did.

"Guys, don't you think that she deserves to have a little bit of fun? All things considered." Jess threw out in my defense.

"Thank you Jess!" I smiled while plugging out my curling iron.

"All things considered? She just lost Tyler!" Jade gasped, turning to look at Jess.

"Yea and I just found out a secret agency out to kill spies is out to get me. Our lives are pretty fucked up right now. Let her just blow off some steam." Jess snapped back at her.

"I get that, but don't you think it's a little soon to be going on a date?" Dee reiterated and I could just imagine her fidgeting with her fingers. I applied some mascara and eyeliner.

"It's not a date." I repeated for like the millionth time today while putting on lip-gloss.

"Of course it's a date. And we all think it's too soon for you to be going on a date seeing how recently you lost Tyler." Jade dismissed me. Always being the one to say what's on everyone's minds. I checked myself in the mirror before walking out.

"If I have to say it's not a date one more time I'm going to throw myself off a cliff and chain you all to my ankles." I smiled menacingly at them and they quieted down. "Now, as I said before I am going to blow off some steam. I mean, pardon me if for once in literally 2 fucking years I want to have a normal goddamn night. Just go out and pretend I'm a normal teenager who does normal teenage things like sneak out and go to a party when someone's parents are out of town. God. I don't want to think anymore. Okay? I don't want to think about the Circle. I don't want to think about intel agencies. I don't want to think about Cov' Ops pop quizzes or needing to know all the potential escape routes in any location I go to. You don't have to keep reminding me that Tyler's gone. It's the only thing I've thought about for a month. It's the only thing ever on my mind. I wake up in the morning and there's maybe 30 seconds of bliss where I briefly forget. And then it all comes rushing back to me and my heart breaks all over again. So can you give me a fucking break please? I just want to go to this party and forget I exist for a while. I think I've earned the right to mourn my dead boyfriend with a shot of vodka, okay? So, you can join me or you can stay here and bitch about me going to a party." The rant took all the breath out of me and brought me to the verge of tears. I couldn't cry and ruin my makeup so I grabbed my phone and left before the tears fell. I dialed Evan's number and waited for him to pick up.