Refound Love (YTSTMB sequel)

Part fourteen

PJ P.O.V.

I liked feeling a rush of something. Like a rush of happiness, motivation or energy. Similar to when adrenaline flashed in your blood but not the same, since that was for excitement or fearful situations that got your heart pumping and gave you too much energy to spare. 

I usually got my rushes from when thousands of creative ideas suddenly started flinging themselves around my brain, stepping into sunshine and when I breathed in fresh morning air when I woke up early. 

They used to come from Chris. Used to. I used to feel a surge of happiness and stupid smile on my face from the minute I woke up next to him to when I fell asleep with him pressed up against me.

It all just stopped so suddenly and it was recently too. Maybe yesterday, or the other day, I couldn't be sure. I noticed it earlier though, how instead of enjoying the time we had together I was restless and was making up excuses to just get out the door and find some inspiration or anything that didn't involve just sitting around. 

Ultimately, I was bored. I was bored of the relationship and as awful as it sounded, I was bored of how perfect it was. 

So maybe that was why I was sitting in my room watching Dan's videos, getting a weird spark from it. Listening to his beautiful voice and never taking my eyes off him, the weirdly high definition making it seem he was right there in front of me. 

The only thing I could think of was 'damn, I miss you' and thinking of a way to see him again that wouldn't look suspicious. I needed to see him for my own selfish needs so that I could be happy in his company and smirk when his cheeks turned pink at the smallest touch. 

I started watching the video I put together using some outtakes from 'The Pushover' where I began to just feel more confused, because even though I was trying to make him fall for me knowing I deliberately wouldn't catch him if I did, I remembered that I still liked the feeling of being close enough to touch him. 

As much as I wanted to deny any kind of feelings towards Dan, I couldn't avoid the fact that he made me happy. He could still make my heart ache one moment but leave me smiling effortlessly the next. 

I had a buzz when I was around him, an ecstatic one that I didn't get around anyone else. The sparks and the warm feelings that disappeared like him when he went to America without a word to anyone had made their comeback subtly, but enough for me to pick up on. 

I didn't feel like that around Chris anymore and it scared me as I chewed on my lip, thinking about if even in this short time I could've fallen into my own trap. Something that started out as a game for so-called revenge and my own amusement had developed into real feelings and turned into a situation that I wasn't really all that okay with, but as long as no one found out, maybe it didn't matter how I felt. 

I shut down the computer and grabbed my nearest jacket, heading out the door. Maybe our relationship wasn't as perfect as I thought, as where I was walking had me thinking that my heart still belonged with someone else.