Refound Love (YTSTMB sequel)

Part twenty-one

PJ P.O.V.

"Dan... Dan, wake up. I've got to go back," I murmured, softly shaking him awake.

"Already? How long has it been?" He asked as he stirred.

"Just a couple of hours," I tightened my hold on him just so he was closer to me for an extra moment, then I peeled myself away from him and got out of bed. I went around to the other side and crouched down in front of Dan who was still coming to, sleepy eyes still trying to pry themselves open. His hand reached out and stroked my cheek for a second, smiling until he sat up crossed legged and signalled for me for sit in front of him.

"I don't want you to go," he said, gripping onto my hand as if he'd never see me again.

"I need to, we can't have them knowing."

"I know," he looked down then back up at my face, opening his mouth then shutting it again, his cheeks staining with colour as he did.

"What is it?" My voice was quiet and low but it startled him anyway.

"Nothing... Erm... It doesn't matter."

I cocked an eyebrow. "I know you better than that. You don't need to hide anything from me, you know? You're nervous again," I pointed out, feeling his hand trembling.

"Uhh..." He started, but still looked uncertain.

"Whatever it is, it can't be bad. You can trust me."

"I know," he repeated. It was silent for a couple of moments again and then he took a deep breath. "I-I love you. I wasn't sure before but now, this feels right," he said, growing more confident as he spoke, placing his hand on the side of my face and running his thumb up my cheekbone. "I love you."

"I love you too," I smiled after a second of being a little stunned. He looked relieved and giggled as he blushed a deeper red. He pulled me in for a kiss and I met him halfway, feeling him smile into it. "I'm sorry, but I really have to go," I said when we broke it.

"It's fine," he tried to reassure me but I could see the sadness he was trying to hide. I didn't want to go, but I didn't have much of a choice.

"Get back to sleep, you need it. I'll show myself out, I'll see you again soon."

"How soon? How soon until it's just us again? Phil will be back in a couple of days."

"We'll sort something out and work around everything, okay? Don't worry about it right now, we'll make it," I stood up after squeezing his hand one more time and tucked Dan back into bed when he lay back down. "Goodnight. I love you, I'll text you later."

He mumbled out a reply that I didn't catch as he shut his eyes. I leant down and kissed him on the forehead, and left their apartment. With every step I took it felt like my heart was sinking lower and lower. When I got back home I was already missing him terribly and had to fight back the urge to run all the way back to him.

I crept around the flat and hovered by my room door to hear that Chris was still in a deep sleep. I slipped my clothes off and had a hot shower, scrubbing thoroughly then stepping out and wrapping a towel around my waist and brushing my teeth a few more minutes than usual out of paranoia that Chris would be able to smell or taste Dan on me.

I got dressed in my room and towel-dried my hair all while he still slept. It was still early though, around 9am and he was due to wake up in an hour or so. I picked up the laundry basket which included the clothes I wore when I saw Dan and put it all in the washing machine so I didn't leave any traces about where I sneaked off last night.

Evidence: gone.

* * *

We carried it on weeks. It became harder to meet up privately since Dan and Phil were joined at the hip and hardly went anywhere without each other and Chris was keeping an eye on my every move.

Somehow, we managed. We'd meet in the backstreets and the park at the top of the hill. He'd come over for an hour or two when Chris had an audition to go to and take a short nap in my arms when we met up late at night.

Inconsistency was the key to keeping Phil and Chris off our trails. Each time we met was a different time to the last and we never met at the same place more than twice. We made sure we left our homes at different times and told our boyfriends different things so that if Phil and Chris ever met up they couldn't spot the similarities.

"I hate this," Dan said once. "I hate hiding."

We were on my bed with me lying flat on my back and he was curled into me with his head on my chest and his arm encircled around my waist. Dan had broken the silence with his words where before we could only hear our breathing. I liked this intimacy - our relationship was more love than lust since we enjoyed the more simple things like holding hands and sweet kisses.

"So do I," I sighed. "But what else can we do?"

"We could tell-"

"No. We can't."

"But I hate this, I hate all the lying and covering up."

"We're just protecting them," I murmured and he went quiet again. He knew it was true - that we were better off doing it all behind Phil and Chris' backs rather than coming out and spilling it all. It would destroy them since it was almost like a repeat of the past which did enough damage already. If we did tell them, it would shatter everything that we all had to rebuild - the trust, mainly.

I knew it took months for Dan and Phil to get back to normal again and I felt like I was snatching all their happiness and everything they had right out of their hands.

I felt bad about it, but I enjoyed Dan and I's little secret too much to quit. It was for selfish reasons really, I still liked the secrecy and the excitement of knowing I was doing something wrong. I still liked the quick and rough kisses Dan and I shared when the four of us were hanging out together and Dan and I were alone for a moment.

Dan made me feel ecstatic and buzzy, but at the same time, our romantic moments were making up for all the times he had broken my heart before, and the wounds that Chris tried so hard but failed to mend were finally healing.

I was getting what I had been craving all those months ago, but now that I was almost satisfied and my past self had what it needed, each time I said 'I love you' to Dan, the phrase began to have less and less meaning.