Refound Love (YTSTMB sequel)

Part twenty-six

Dan P.O.V.

"I've been cheating on you!"

The voice was mine. The words were mine. It all came out my own mouth. And yet, it sounded alien and foreign, like it was something I was never meant to say. True, I should never have had to say it as a confession, but it wasn't supposed to come out like this, not when we were already arguing. It was the worst case scenario but I had managed to put us both in the position anyway.

All I could do was watch Phil's anger wash away from his face and see horror and fear flood into him instead. I couldn't bring myself to say anything - the words were trapped and caught in my throat so there was no explanation why, there was no sincere apology. His eyes began to water and he didn't bother to hide it, just letting the tears fall.

"Who?" He asked. Phil kept his stare on me, and I could see he didn't want to know but he had to for his own sake. It took me a moment to answer as I tried to gulp down the feel of sandpaper in my throat that wouldn't budge.

"PJ."

As soon as I said the name, his pale skin turned a sickly grey, draining the colour from him. He didn't look surprised like he did just moments ago but was disappointed and hurt. He started shaking, leaning against the wall for support. 

"I feel dizzy..." he said, but it wasn't aimed at anyone in particular. He sank to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest and hid his face in his hands. The silence was so painfully long that I would've preferred it if he started screaming at me, but his retreat just scared me. He didn't curl up into a ball often, it was something he did when he needed to feel protected and safe and I was making him feel anything but that right now. I felt useless, watching him fall apart and knowing it was me that hurt him terribly and couldn't do or say anything that would make him feel better.

My feet unglued themselves from the floor and I found myself walking towards Phil and crouching down in front him, putting a hand on his knee. He was mumbling 'again, again, not again...' but stopped when he felt my touch.

"Phil?" I murmured, and he just shook his head, refusing to take his hands away. "Please look at me," I prised his hands away from his face but he still kept his gaze down, making no eye contact with me. I could feel my heart thudding in my chest but I think I heard his being torn, and his tear-stained cheeks showed me I wasn't overestimating how upset he was but more likely the opposite. I wouldn't ever forgive myself for this, it would remain to be the biggest mistake of my life.

"You don't love me anymore," he whispered, sounding so empty and hurt that it stabbed at my heart and if guilt were liquid I would be drowning in it, but I deserved to suffer because I had broken the heart of someone who wouldn't ever kill a tiny insect even if his life depended on it.

"No! I do, I do, I... I just love him too."

"That's not possible, if you really loved me you wouldn't feel something for him as well."

"I tried to stop it, I'm so sorry."

"You didn't try enough."

I had nothing to say to that because he was right, I could've put a stop to it months ago before it turned into an affair, but I was too enticed by the other boy to stay loyal and instead threw everything special I had away for the sake of feeling good for a short time every few days.

"I'm sorry, if I could go back-"

"Well, you can't. How many times? Once? Twice? More?" He looked slightly hopeful, as if the problem could have a silver lining, but the lining was just dark and murky if not non-existent and I knew I was about to completely shatter him.

I took a deep breath, "We saw each other in secret for five months."

His eyes widened and the tears that had stopped temporarily had started again.

"I know you're thinking the worst but we didn't-" I started but was interrupted. 

"Please, stop it, I don't want to know, okay? I don't want to know what you did with him or where or how or anything, I don't want to hear it, please, I don't want to know. Spare me the details, all I need to know is that you had an affair with PJ for five months, that's it."

"Phil, we-"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear it!" He burst into tears again but pulled himself together again as quickly as he fell apart. I reached out and put a hand on his cheek but he smacked it away and his glare turned cold.

"Phil?"

"Get off me. Just don't touch me. Just... g-get away from me!" He suddenly got up and stormed off to the lounge and when I caught up with him he was pacing around the room but started to shout at me when I entered. "How could you?! After the last time?! Don't you know what I went through? I can't go through that again, I can't, but I don't have a choice now!" He picked up a small toy that was near him and started to fiddle with it, trying to get rid of his energy. "You said you were sorry, you said you'd never... Why am I never good enough for you? Why did you do it? Why?"

"I loved you both, I couldn't choose. We ended it tonight, PJ said he- he said he pretended to like me so he could hurt me in the end... I... He used me," I felt something wet on my face and I wiped my cheeks. I don't know when I started crying but it must've been a while ago since they were drenched and cold.

"And that's supposed to make me feel sorry for you?! You're not the only one who's miserable here, Dan. There's me and Chris and PJ's probably upset that he's messed things up between him and Chris. Can't you see what they're like when they're together? They're in love, why couldn't you see that and leave them alone?!"

"He came to me first! It's not all my fault, Phil! It's PJ's too! And I think Chris knew something was going on but he didn't stop-"

"Chris knew too?" Phil’s face fell and his voice was quiet.

"He had his suspicions-"

"So you all knew after all this time and I've been completely stupid and oblivious?! You've all been laughing behind my back!"

"No! We haven't! We've not been laughing at all, just feeling bad about all the lies and- Phil, it's not Chris' fault, he probably didn't tell you so you didn't worry."

'Well it's cute that you all care about my happiness," he sneered.

"I just wanted to protect you! I know that didn't end up going well but you would have to know at some point-"

"And if you hadn't ended it with PJ tonight, when would you have told me? After I proposed to you? After we got married? When? Or would you have just kept lying to my face until I caught you both doing god knows what?"

"Propose?" I questioned him and he blushed again. 

He sighed and ruffled his hair and pulled out a small box from his jeans pocket and threw it at me. "Yeah, I was going to ask you if you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me tonight. Surprise."

"Phil-" 

"It doesn't matter." 

"I'm so sorry." 

"It doesn't matter anymore." 

I set the box down on the nearest table even though I wanted to tell him that yes, I wanted my every breath to be taken with him standing next to me and I wanted his skin to be first and last thing to be beneath fingertips each day and I wanted nothing more than us wearing matching gold rings on the fourth finger on our left hands, but the timing was wrong and I didn't want it to seem forced, so I listened to him shout and watched him breakdown into sobs until he went to bed with his room door locked, but by morning, some of his clothes were missing and he was gone.