Broken Until Him

Chapter 9 ~ Guilt

'Guilt is something that sticks to you, even if you're trying to get rid of it. It's something that wrecks you from the inside, fading every positive feeling.

It makes you reconsider your actions, your way of thinking. Guilt is a burden that prevents you from living your life like you wanted to. And it can't be stopped without a proof of your innocence.

It is probably the worst feeling ever, because it doesn't ease with time. No, it's a steady feeling that brings us pain and restriction.'

I don't know how much time I stayed there, sitting underneath that tree and watching the rain fall.

I do not feel anything. The pain must be so considerable that it's suppressing every other feeling.
I became numb, I am now empty.
I am just the shadow of myself, dark and without essence.

I read this piece of paper, over and over, each time hoping the words would change. But it remains painful, every single word being a dagger thrusts even deeper in the pieces of my already broken heart.

I deserve this. The pain, the numbness, the emptiness. Her words keep playing in my head.

Where were you?

I don't know why I wasn't with her, why I wasn't looking after her. I just don't know where I was.

As I look up from the letter, I see the contour of someone walking towards me. The darkness is surrounding me and the stranger. But I'm not afraid, I don't feel anything.

"Hey, what are you doing here? It's freezing and you are soaked. Come with me," a masculine voice asks me.

But I can't make a move, I'm paralyzed. I keep staring straight ahead, ignoring the person next to me. I don't deserve any kind of help.

But he must have seen the treacherous tears, the drenched paper in my hand and my lifeless expression.

"Jade, look at me. It's going to be okay, I promise you it will get better. Just come with me," he says in a lame attempt to reassure me.

He squats in front of me, tilting my head so my eyes focus on him.

"I can't Nathan. It's all my fault," I tell him with a croaky voice.

He slowly lifts his thumb and wipes it under my eyes, capturing some of the tears I've released.

But I jerk away from his touch. How can he be nice after what I've done to him?

"Don't," I whisper closing my eyes, incapable of looking him.

But he doesn't listen to me, and keeps wiping my tears.
He just can't be heartwarming with me when all I do is to freeze him out. I'm such an awful person, hurting everyone that is close to me.

I hurt him.
I hurt my family.
I hurt her.

"Jade, stop thinking. You can't just shut out every people who want to help you. You won't survive all alone," Nathan says, brushing the few strands of hair off of my face.

I stare at him blankly, unable to answer him. The pain crushes every bit of humanity I have left, every emotion I have ever felt.

"Just let me help you. I don't ask you to tell me what happened to you, I just want you to stop pushing me away. Please, Jade, stop hurting yourself," he begs me, still looking straight into my watering eyes.

He shifts and sits beside me, enveloping me in his arms, like the first time we met. But this time I don't move away from him. Instead, I simply allow myself to lean against his chest.

I was totally wrong about him. He is so much more than those boys I've seen at the cafeteria. Why is he losing his time with me, the unstable girl?

"I'm s-sorry," I stutter.

That's all I found to say to excuse my behavior.

"Shhh... that's okay, just breathe calmly," he murmurs, holding me tighter.

That's only when he takes the letter from my hand and places it back on the envelope that I notice that my whole body is shaking.

And it reminds me of her. I shut my eyes the hardest I can, trying to dismiss the images flooding my eyes. But it's not enough, the memory keeps going in my mind.

Hashley, collapsing onto the floor, the convulsions taking her life away little by little.

I'm slightly aware of Nathan's arms around me, shaking me a bit and his voice calling out to me.
But I can't avoid what's playing in my mind.

"Jade !" Nathan yells and takes my face in his hands.

My eyes snap open, meeting his worried expression. The memory that was torturing me has disappeared, Nathan's face is now the only thing in my mind. We're only inches apart, your eyes hooked up despite the dim light.

I'm the one who lowers my eyes, ashamed of what just happened. I can't let him get to me, I can't hurt one more person.

But he won't let me go, he won't give up on me now that he saw I am suffering. I saw it in his eyes, the determination and sympathy. There was no pity.

"Do you want to go and grab something to eat ?" Nathan asks me, rising from the ground.

Taken aback by his question, I simply nod my head. He extends a hand for me. I take it and stand up.
I pick up my bag and the envelope tuck underneath and put it back in my notebook.

I'm not strong enough to read the second letter, not yet. The words of the first one are still drowning me, though I try my hardest not to show it.

I need time, much more than I thought. It's been only forty-seven days since she...

Even thinking about it is hard for me, because it makes it real.
I know one day reality will hit me, that's what is happening each time I think of her, a memory brings me back to the reality that she's gone. But for the moment, I prefer pretending that she never left me.

~

A/N

Hi !

Just something I want to know about my readers, where are you from?

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