Broken Until Him

Chapter 28 ~ Words

'We have all, at some point, underestimated the power of words. There are just combinations of letters, they come and go and rarely stay.

We are not always careful with the words that come out of our mouth. This is probably the reason why some people don't care if they offend someone. They don't pay attention because words don't remain with us, there are invisible as they fly away.

But we catch some of them, sometimes without actually wanting to. And they stay with us forever in our mind, destroying us slowly but surely.

I am not saying we only keep the negative words. We can keep the amazing ones as well. The "I love you", the "I admire you", the "you are the best thing that has ever happened to me".

We all keep them, but unlike the negative words, the positive ones stay in our hearts. And this constant opposition between our mind and our heart begins.

But never forget that: words can kill.'

As soon as I close the front door of my house behind me, I turn off my phone. I struggle to take my coat off, the cast on my left arm is too large to go through the sleeve. How did I put it on in the first place? I pull even harder on the sleeve, wincing at the pressure on my cast. When I finally manage to take it off, I throw it to the floor. I run up the stairs and push the door of my bedroom open. I walk up to my bed and plop down on it, my legs underneath me and my valid hand on my lap.

And I wait. I don't know what I'm waiting for but I still do. Maybe if I stay still long enough I will turn into a statue and never have to face anyone or listen to anything ever again. I wish...

As much as I want to erase what happened today from my memory, I can't. I wish things were this easy. You don't like something, you erase it. You want to change something, you rewind. I would have rewinded my life all the way up to the day Hashley became distant. But this would mean Nathan wouldn't be part of my life. I would have never moved to this city, I would have never met Nathan and his family, I would have never met Nina.

If I was given the possibility to go back in time and change the course of it, I would accept in a heartbeat. I love Nathan so much but Hashley was my sister and I would do anything to see her one last time. I would give up everything I have here.

She was my person, the one I needed the most. I need her right now; I need her so damn much because I'm lost. And she is the only person able to find me.

I stand up and walk towards the desk against the wall. My fingers caress the cover of my notebook, slightly shaking. Am I really going to do this now? Yes, it's high time I read it. I flip the cover open and stare at the envelope. I already read one out of the two letters she left for me. The first one destroyed me, crushed me. I don't know if I can read the other one. What if it's the same kind of letter? It would probably kill me.

In five months, I didn't find it in me to read it. Her words were like darts aiming at my heart, I couldn't take them anymore. I've blamed myself for her suicide, it shattered the good memories we had together. Maybe, just maybe, this letter will help me in a way.

I take the envelope and go back to my bed. It's probably better if I sit. My thumb traces my name over the paper. I flip the envelope over and take the two letters out of it. I place the one I already read next to me and take a deep breath. I might not be able to be with her, but I can have a little of her with me. I unfold the letter and start to read.

'Dear Jade,

I love you. I know that it's something I'm supposed to put at the end of the letter but I want you to know that. You were never the reason why I chose to put an end to my life, never ever blame yourself for that. And please, tell Mom and Dad I love them too.